


A Piece of Her

by RoseClara28



Series: A Piece of Her [1]
Category: The Good Doctor (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Canon Autistic Character, Chapter 12 contains strong language and a detailed description of childbirth, Chapter 8 will definitely warm your heart, Childbirth, Drama, Each Chapter Contains Flashbacks, Everything is also going well in life for Claire Lim and Carly, F/M, Family, Fix-It Sorts, Friendship, Gen, Grief, Hurt/Comfort, Original Shea Baby, Parenthood, Post Season 3, Postpartum Preeclampsia/Eclampsia, Pregnancy, Sad Story with a Happy Ending, Seizure, Single Father Shaun, Some Fluff, Spoilers for up to the end of episode 3x20, Trigger Warning: Maternal Death, Trigger Warning: Mentions of Bullying in Chapter 1, Two Flashback Chapters, Unplanned Pregnancy, We get to know more about Lea's family and backstory, and we'll also get to meet Lea's family, autistic author
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-05-03
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:22:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 41,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23782300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseClara28/pseuds/RoseClara28
Summary: Shaun and Lea have a baby together, but Lea has died and Shaun goes through the process of grieving while also adjusting to fatherhood and remembering moments from Lea's pregnancy.NOTE: I revised this story because I thought of better things to include in it that would make it better. And I think you will all like this one much better.
Relationships: Aaron Glassman & Shaun Murphy, Claire Browne & Shaun Murphy, Lea Dilallo & Shaun Murphy, Lea Dilallo/Shaun Murphy
Series: A Piece of Her [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1748485
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> I just really miss the fanfics about Shaun and his life. And while I still ship Shea, I will always hate the way the show decided to pair them up and the way their characters were written in 3x17-3x18. So, while everything is canon-compliant, I'm just going to say that Shaun and Lea did eventually work things out in a healthy way soon after the credits rolled and went to therapy early on in their relationship. They also apologized for their behavior. And don't worry, in this story, things have gotten better for Claire and Carly.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six weeks after Shaun and Lea's daughter is born, Lea dies from a rare postpartum complication. Shaun is saddened by it and is in denial about it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just realized that I didn't include Kenny in the list of hardships that Shaun went through, and I was super pissed about that. I also wanted to include mentions of Shaun in med school since I just thought about the bullying that happens to some med students. I also thought I should give everyone a brief and quick overview of what happened in this story after 3x20.

Dr. Shaun Murphy sat alone in his apartment full of numbness, somberly staring off into space at his empty beer bottle on the coffee table while the TV screen was playing _The Weather Channel._ His face was teary, red, irritated, and unshaven. His eyes were stinging with tears of grief that streamed down to his chin. Snot was seeping out of his nose, irritating his nostrils and the skin above his upper lip. He hadn't showered in days, and he hadn't had a good night's sleep for six weeks.

All his life, he was used to personal misfortunes and catastrophes.

For as long as he could remember, his alcoholic father would abuse him, Steve, and their mother, and she did nothing to protect them; Shaun often took the brunt of all of it. Since kindergarten, he was constantly bullied and teased in school. Classmates have dumped on and thrown things at him: food, a ball or two, rocks, dirt, sticks, pee balloons (yes, pee balloons). He has been wedgied, pantsed, spat on, submerged head-first in toilet water, pushed into mud, tossed into dumpsters, beaten up, punched in the face, punched and kicked in the abdomen, kicked in the groin, and many other things. His teachers and the school faculty would often blame him for it, telling him it was his fault for not being like the other students. The most humiliating moment ever experienced was when Colleen Myers, the girl he had a crush on, tried to trick him into exposing himself. He thankfully didn't agree to pull down his pants for her, but it still hurt him that everyone at school thought he was. He was kicked out of so many schools for "behavioral problems".

When he was 14, his father snatched his rabbit straight from his arms and violently threw her against the wall in a rage, killing her instantly. This prompted him and Steve to run away from home and live in an abandoned bus, where they were also introduced to other problems such as hunger, poison oak, tetanus, lice, bedbugs, animals that could have rabies, rattlesnakes, mountain lions, bears, and berries they couldn't eat because they might be poisonous. Steve later died a gruesome death when he slipped and fell off that train they were playing on in an abandoned building that smelled like burnt food. He was never going to forget the sound of Steve's neck snapping as his head hit the concrete ground. The three foster homes he lived in afterward weren't any better.

Things slowly got better after Dr. Glassman took him in, but even during adulthood, Shaun still had hardships thrown in his face. During his rotations in med school, he didn't have the nicest teachers. One of them, Dr. Holiday, would tell him and his peers that they were worthless and threaten them with bad grades or a ruined career if they didn't do what he said, even if they knew he was wrong about something. He was so much worse than Dr. Han. If it weren't for Dr. Glassman or even that viral video of him saving Adam's life at the airport (he hated that someone posted a video of that, though), he never would have been hired to work at St. Bonaventure. Although Dr. Melendez died having full respect for him, he wasn't very fair to Shaun during the years of his residency...and neither was Dr. Andrews. Except for Claire, nobody at St. Bonaventure treated him like he belonged during the first half of his first year.

After he and Lea went on a nice road trip and shared their first kiss, she moved away to Hershey and then Kenny moved in next to him and they became friends after Dr. Glassman told him he couldn't be his friend anymore. Not long after Kenny turned out to be a crook who was using Shaun, Dr. Glassman was diagnosed with cancer. Then, without warning, Lea returned and this resulted in them having a big fight. Everything that went on during his second year of residency - Dr. Glassman's battle with cancer, the pain of seeing Lea with Jake, Dr. Han kicking him out of surgery and into pathology, and getting injured in a barfight - was the worst. He eventually got his job back and got a date with Carly, but things weren't calm for long.

After revisiting his abusive father on his death bed, Carly breaking up with him because she saw that he and Lea loved each other, getting arrested, and then him and Lea mutually confessing their love to each other, there was a long and toxic dispute between the two of them that almost ended their friendship. It took them almost dying in the earthquake for Lea to start getting over her insecurities and also for them to start going to therapy and talking things out so they could make their whole friendship and relationship healthy again. Unfortunately, Dr. Melendez died from the injuries he received during the earthquake. For Shaun and the rest of his colleagues, losing one of their mentors was hard.

Things didn't get better after the earthquake either. Both he and Lea started to suffer from posttraumatic stress from the earthquake. Well, for Shaun, the earthquake only added to it with the trauma he suffered from as a kid. They would have nightmares and flashbacks about it. Not much longer after Lea moved back in with him, the coronavirus pandemic and the quarantine made things even more stressful. They had to have their therapy sessions via video chat and they were at risk for the virus since they worked at a hospital. Even though staying at home was what Shaun preferred, he hated that he and Lea had to spend their free time stuck indoors and had to wear masks every time they left their apartment or went to work.

A few months after the social distancing nightmare ended, Lea found out that she was pregnant with Shaun's child. It wasn't planned at all, but they both decided that they would make this work, and they did. Since that moment, things started to get better for Shaun despite Lea's difficult pregnancy and labor. When their daughter, Eleanor "Nell" Clementine, was born, it was the peak of their happiness and Shaun's happiness. Aside from the stress of the sleepless nights and a needy newborn, Shaun was able to live a conflict/tragedy-free and smooth life for six weeks. It looked like things were slowly getting better...until now.

Just this morning, Lea went away from him again, and this time she was never coming back and it wasn't her choice. All because of one massive, violent postpartum eclamptic seizure...right in front of his eyes.

Since Baby Nell was spending the night with Dr. Glassman and Debbie so Shaun could have some moments alone, he finally earned the opportunity to get the sleep he desperately needed and also to shower and shave.

But instead, he spent the night downing a couple of beers and watching _The Weather Channel_. For at least one minute, he just wanted to get his mind off of his grief and guilt, and this documentary about "Terrible Tuesday" and all the talk about the Red River Valley tornado outbreak that struck Wichita Falls, Texas and its surrounding areas on April 10, 1979 seemed to be a good distraction.

He didn't want to think about how difficult and stressful the past ten months and year had been. He didn't want to accept that he was now a single father. Shaun wished Lea wasn't dead, and Nell was all that was left of her.

He picked up his phone, turned it on, and then opened his contact list app and selected Lea's name. He pressed the call button, staring at her name and the tiny picture of her displayed on his screen. For a couple of seconds, he listened to the ringing of Lea's phone from both their bedroom - where it had been sitting charging all day - and also from the receiving end of his own phone before it finally went straight to voicemail.

_"Hey, it's Lea. Leave a message and I'll call you back ASAP."_

Her soft, soothing, sweet voice was a comforting sound for him to hear. It made him felt like she was still here. More tears squeezed out from his eyes when he heard it.


	2. Earlier That Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lea suffers from a massive seizure six weeks after giving birth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a flashback of Lea's actual death scene. I had to do a lot of research on preeclampsia, eclampsia, and seizures and read a few memoirs in order for me to put some accuracy in this chapter.

As usual, Shaun and Lea were awakened by their six-week-old daughter's screams for her parents' attention. Since she made her way into this crazy world, they've been on constant alert and were more exhausted than they ever were in their lives.

Nell was now their new alarm clock, and Shaun and Lea would always take turns tending to her needs. Neither of them had gotten a solid night's sleep for six weeks (well, Lea didn't even get a solid night's sleep before Nell was born). On the bright side, since they were both on family leave, they had the opportunity and the privilege to sleep in.

They spent most of their time changing diapers, feeding the baby, burping her, getting vomited and spat up on, wiping up spit-up, bathing the baby, rocking and soothing her to sleep, swaddling her, bonding with her, and on Lea's part, pumping breastmilk and recovering from postpartum pain. Sometimes, they would take Nell for walks around the block with her riding in the travel system or while she'd be worn by either Shaun or Lea with the baby carrier or sling.

This was their new routine now. And while they loved Nell to the moon and back more than anything, neither of them were fans of the newborn stage at this point and couldn't wait for her to grow a little bit older and bigger.

This morning, Shaun was the first one to get out of bed and retrieve Nell from her bassinet. 

After Lea started to stir, Shaun noticed that she was rubbing her forehead and squinting her eyes. She had been complaining of headaches for a couple of days, but they tried not to worry too much about it. She usually got them when she was stressed and/or sleep-deprived, so neither of them thought they were anything worth disturbing over.

"Good morning," she drowsily groaned and then walked over to give him a quick kiss on his cheek. She reached her hand around him and ran her fingers through Nell's small mop of thin brown hair. She was still rubbing her forehead.

"Are you okay?" Shaun inquired, jaded yet concerned. "Do you still have a headache?"

"Yeah," Lea sighed in annoyance and agitation, rubbing her eyes and temple as she leaned against the wall and clutched her upper right abdomen.

Shaun suddenly realized something. If Lea was his patient, he would have immediately noticed this at first glance, but they both had been too preoccupied with their newborn to even notice anything. For the very first time, Shaun actually started to wonder if Lea was developing late postpartum preeclampsia because, besides the headaches, her hands, feet, limbs, and face were swollen.

* * *

It was 8:00 in the morning and in just a matter of two (maybe three) days, Lea's bothersome headache had progressed from bad to worse. She tried taking ibuprofen the other night, but it didn't seem to help.

As Nell was serenely lounging in her baby bouncer, a fatigued Shaun cooked breakfast while an exhausted Lea sat down at the counter pumping breastmilk. When he served pancakes for both of them, all she managed to do was shove her food around on her plate like a fussy eater. She wasn't feeling any mood for an appetite right now.

"Are you not hungry?" Shaun prodded anxiously, completely taking notice of his girlfriend's worrisome behavior.

Feeling a tad sick and queasy, Lea quickly detached the pumping valves from her breasts and zipped her nursing tank back up before pushing her plate of uneaten food off to the side.

"I'm not," she answered, fearfully moaning and whimpering a bit. "I-I don't feel good. My headache is actually getting worse. I..."

All of a sudden, a wave of nausea took over her body and she vomited straight onto the kitchen floor. She felt the refreshing touch of Shaun's hands against her back and the comforting caress of his fingers through her hair.

"We need to go to the ER. Right now," advised Shaun, a sound of fear and urgency in his voice. "I think you may have late postpartum preeclampsia."

"Okay," muttered Lea, knowing that she probably shouldn't argue with her boyfriend. She wasn't a doctor or a medical professional, but she was aware that preeclampsia could be fatal if left untreated and she didn't want to die. She never thought it could develop this late. "Can you just...get me some water, please? I need some."

"Alright," complied Shaun. "I'll make one and then I'll get our shoes on and order an Uber to take us to St. Bonaventure. Chances are you're going to be fine." Although he had just earned his driver's license six months ago, he was too exhausted and sleep-deprived to have any energy to drive.

When Lea closed her eyes and then reopened them, her vision became blurry and fuzzy and she started to feel a little dizzy before eventually becoming disoriented. She could barely make out the details of Shaun's face. In addition, her headache wasn't the only thing that's been bothering her for the past few days. She's also had some cramps in her upper abdomen and not just her lower abdomen. 

She was really starting to get scared.

"I can't see," she blurted out with a whimper before she suddenly couldn't hear anything but ringing. She didn't even take notice of Shaun handing over the glass of water she requested or him calling her name. She didn't even notice that Nell was crying.

Before everything went black and she lost consciousness, the only thing she could take notice of at this moment was the world around her spinning, the ringing in her ears, and the severe pounding in her head.

* * *

"I can't see," Shaun heard Lea whimper as he finished filling up her glass of water.

Alarmed, Shaun immediately probed her with questions, asking her if her vision was blurry or if she was seeing dark spots. But she failed to respond.

"Lea?" Shaun called out as he tried to hand the glass of water over to her. She wasn't reaching out to grab it despite it being presented right in front of her eyes.

She was just staring off into space.

He waved his hand in front of her face, but she wasn't reacting at all to any external stimuli. He was growing more and more worried.

"Lea!" He cried out in a panic, loudly clapping his hands in front of her face, but she still didn't react.

This wasn't good. This was bad. This was very bad. Actually, this was critical.

All of a sudden, Lea's body collapsed right out of her chair and onto the hard floor. She started shaking and convulsing violently, her back arching and her stiff body twitching.

She was having a seizure.

After grabbing his phone from the kitchen counter and taking a pillow from the couch, Shaun immediately ran to Lea and carefully shifted her onto her side and placed the pillow underneath her head. Then, he called 9-1-1.

In a matter of only 30 frightful seconds, Lea was already frothing out of her mouth and her head and limbs were jerking as if she was being electrocuted.

Shaun tried to remain calm throughout this whole thing, but with Lea in the clonic phase of a seizure, the dispatcher asking a lot of questions, Nell crying out for her mom and dad, and him being sleep-deprived, it was hard for him not to go into sensory overload and shut down.

"Just send a damn ambulance to 183 Balbach Street!" He demanded, completely frightened to death. "Apartment 24! Please hurry!"

Lea's violent seizure lasted for at least five minutes, which Shaun knew was not good; the ambulance arriving right before it stopped. He rode in the back of the ambulance alongside her; Nell tagging along with them because Shaun didn't have enough time to search for a good babysitter. She was fussy during the entire ride.

* * *

St. Bonaventure's ER wasn't crowded this morning at all and there were no surgeries that had been scheduled at this time. It was a total graveyard shift for Claire, Morgan, Dr. Park, and Dr. Andrews.

With everything so calm and serene, Claire found this moment to be pretty unusual. However, what made this moment even more unusual was the fact that Shaun hadn't been here for six weeks, and there was going to be another 12 weeks without him. Her team felt naked without him.

It was also pretty boring, so the team just had a bunch of casual conversations in the breakout room.

"I'm so bored! I bet Shaun must be having a nice vacation right now," Morgan snarked as she scrolled through her Facebook feed on her phone.

"Vacation?" Claire shot Morgan a look of disapproval. "Shaun and Lea aren't having a spa day or even going on a road trip. Maternity and paternity leave isn't a vacation."

"I know, I was being sarcastic," snorted Morgan, a smirk on her face. "But their baby is probably far more interesting than this boring hospital right now."

"Yeah, and then after being all cute and adorable, the baby will start to get a little boring," Dr. Park remarked, which earned him dirty looks from Claire and Morgan. "What? It's true! Trust me, I've had a kid before! Spend a day or two with a baby and you'll understand. And yes, we can all agree that Nell is cute."

"Fair enough, I guess you win," sighed Claire. "Anyway, I wonder how Shaun is handling everything - the dirty diapers, the runny noses, the spit-ups, and the sleepless nights. I also wonder how Lea is dealing."

They were all starting to miss Shaun already.

"They're probably both doing fine," affirmed Morgan.

The conversation was interrupted by Dr. Andrews bursting into the breakout room, telling them that they needed to come with him and it was urgent.

"An ambulance is on its way over here with Lea!" He announced, his voice professional but panicked.

"What?" Claire was shocked. Lea was just fine when she was discharged from the hospital six weeks ago. "Why? What happened? Is she okay? Where is Shaun?"

"We don't know. All we know is that she just had a massive seizure minutes ago! Murphy is riding with them, and so is Eleanor," Dr. Andrews answered as he and his residents sprinted towards the direction of the ER.

* * *

"Lea Dilallo, 29-years-old, gave birth to her first child six weeks ago, violent seizure for more than five minutes! Dr. Murphy thinks it might be postpartum eclampsia! She's unresponsive, tachycardic, hypertensive, and her oxygen levels are low! Two liters of magnesium en route!" The paramedic transferred the information as she and the other paramedic unloaded the stretcher from the ambulance.

Claire observed Lea's limp and lifeless body on the stretcher. Her skin was pale white and clammy and there was evidence of foaming at her mouth as there was a stream of excessive frothy saliva running down her cheek to her chin and ear as if she had a mouth full of toothpaste. Her eyes were closed and they were shadowed by dark circles. Her cheeks were also a bit puffy. She was wearing an oxygen mask and she wasn't reacting at all to the stress and commotion around her.

Morgan, Dr. Park, and Dr. Andrews took hold of the gurney and ushered Lea inside the building. They were both looking panicked and scared. None of them even noticed Shaun sitting still as a statue on the bench of the ambulance, cradling Nell in his arms.

He had dark circles under his eyes, his face was unshaven, his hair was a total rat's nest, and he was in his pajamas. He just sat there frozen, completely distraught while Nell fussed in his arms. 

"Shaun?" Instead of following the rest of her team into the building, Claire ran straight towards her friend. "Shaun, what happened?"

Shaun didn't say anything. The only thing he could do was blubber, unable to get any words out.

"I...forgot...the diaper bag," he stammered, rocking back and forth on his heels. "I didn't bring the diaper bag...and Nell is sitting in a loaded diaper." He was beginning to hyperventilate. "Sh-sh-she's...been...c-c-comp-complaining o-of a headache for two days. It was a massive seizure and she could probably have a head injury or brain damage..."

"Shaun!" Claire interrupted, placing her hands over his arms, looking at him straight in the eyes and trying to calm him down and snap out of it. "We have to go. We have to go help Lea. We'll take good care of her. Right now, we need you to stay with Nell and be strong for her and Lea."

* * *

Shaun paced back and forth around the hospital family room as he waited with Dr. Glassman and Debbie, who had joined him for moral support, for news about Lea and her condition. Debbie held Nell while Dr. Glassman was sitting next to her, staring off into space, aware that as a board-certified neurosurgeon, a seizure lasting for more than five minutes was not good. He was deeply worried and afraid for his young assistant.

HELLP syndrome, liver damage, kidney damage, brain damage, stroke, cardiac arrest, coma...any of those outcomes could happen to her.

Three hours had passed since the seizure and so far, the only good thing was that Nell finally had a fresh clean diaper and she was calm, naive to everything that was happening. It felt like an eternity before Claire finally came in to deliver news to them. The expression on her face was gloomy and unsettling.

"How is she? Is she alive?" Debbie begged apprehensively, with Nell nestled into the crook of her arm.

Claire took in a slow breath before finally giving an answer. "It was late postpartum eclampsia," she stated, heavily staring towards Shaun face to face. She hesitated for a while before finally getting the rest of her words out of her mouth. "The seizure or maybe her preeclampsia caused a brain aneurysm."

"And?" Dr. Glassman inclined despairingly, folding his arms, certain that Claire's tone indicated that there was definitely more to the situation. She was holding something back.

"Unfortunately, the aneurysm caused complete loss of neurological function. We ran a few tests to confirm it, and I'm afraid we came to the conclusion that Lea is brain dead," she finished candidly, trying to hold back her tears. "I'm sorry, Shaun."

Shaun was speechless and at a loss, feeling like he had been verbally punched in the stomach and slapped in the face with all of the facts that Claire had presented him with. He didn't know how to respond to all this. He wanted to deny it, but he couldn't because it was definitely true. It's been three hours, so Claire and the team most likely spent that time trying to diagnose her. Tears were fighting their way out of his eyes. He wanted to scream.

Dr. Glassman was beside himself, and Debbie was shocked. Neither of them expected something like this to ever happen.

Medically, brain death is actual death, and there was nothing they could do about it. Lea was actually dead, and it was difficult for Shaun to process that.

"Would you like to see Lea one more time and say goodb-"

"No," Shaun let his answer slip without letting Claire finish. "She's an organ donor. You should get her organs harvested while they're still viable." If Lea's life couldn't be saved, she could at least save other patients who needed organ transplants - although her liver and kidneys were probably no good anymore.

"Okay," sniffed Claire, still trying to stifle her tears and wanting to give Shaun a hug. He wanted to save the lives of others, even if his own life was on the line or if the life of someone he loved was just lost. "I'll leave you alone." Then she walked out of the room.

"Shaun, I'm so sorry," he heard Debbie croak softly.

Dr. Glassman got out of his chair and walked over to Shaun, gently placing his hand over his shoulder with sympathy and empathy. With Lea gone, Shaun now needed him more than ever.

"I need you to watch Nell tonight," mumbled Shaun softly, not turning around to face his surrogate parents. "I want to go home. I want some moments alone."

"We can do that. Do you want me to stay with you tonight?" Dr. Glassman offered. "Debbie can take care of Nell while I keep you company. We could talk or just go for a walk."

"No," Shaun refused assertively. "I'm...tired. And I want...to be...alone. Also, somebody needs to locate Lea's family and notify them."

* * *

That afternoon when Shaun was alone in his apartment after leaving Nell in the care of Dr. Glassman and Debbie, he spiraled into a meltdown. It was just like the one he had back in that motel room in Casper, except Lea wasn't here to hold him and comfort him this time. She never will ever again.

This was the third time he watched someone he loved die right in front of his eyes. And overall, this was the fourth death he ever had to grieve in his life - first his rabbit, then Steve, then Dr. Melendez, and then Lea.

She was gone.

_Postpartum preeclampsia: a rare condition that occurs when a patient has high blood pressure and excess protein in their urine soon after childbirth. Most cases develop within 48 hours of childbirth. However, it sometimes develops up to six weeks or later after childbirth. This is known as late postpartum preeclampsia. Postpartum preeclampsia plus seizures is known as postpartum eclampsia._

Shaun reviewed the textbook definitions in his head. When Lea was discharged from the hospital after giving birth, her blood pressure was normal. One week later, her blood pressure was still normal. Even after birth, mothers aren't safe from complications. He knew that, but he didn't know why the universe had to make Lea one of those rare cases. Help had arrived way too late for her, and it wasn't fair.

He curled up into a fetal position on his couch and cried.


	3. The Last Memories

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dr. Glassman processes his feelings about Lea's death and remembers his favorite recent memory with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter focuses on Dr. Glassman's feelings and it is still taking place on the same day as the last two chapters.
> 
> Just like I have mentioned before, some feedback is appreciated and feel free to give it to me and review if you'd like :)

While they were perched on their couch, Dr. Glassman and Debbie glanced down with utter joy and utter sadness at Shaun and Lea's daughter, who was fast asleep in her travel crib and unaware of everything that was going on; unaware she had just lost her mother. She was spending the night with them so Shaun could have some space and get some well-deserved sleep. Aaron offered to stay with Shaun for the night while Debbie would take care of Nell, but Shaun declined and said he just wanted to be alone.

Aaron was still blindsided over the news of Lea's sudden death this morning from a massive eclamptic seizure that lead to an aneurysm that caused her to become brain dead. He thankfully didn't witness it, but Shaun did...and this was officially the third time that someone Shaun had dearly loved "went to heaven in front of his eyes". Nell was there when the seizure occurred, but she was lucky she wasn't going to remember any of it.

As for Shaun, on the other hand, Aaron knew that he was going to be taking this very hard. And frankly, he himself was kind of taking it hard as well. The irony in this is that he never suspected to ever have to grieve over Lea. Her death painfully felt like losing Maddie all over again.

Until almost a year ago, Aaron never expected to actually love Lea like a daughter the same way he loved Shaun like a son. He started to care even more for her during the coronavirus nightmare and when she got pregnant, which was when he truly got to learn and perceive her more vulnerable side.

Most of all, he actually regretted and cringed at the way he acted towards her before all that. While understandable, his hostility and distrust towards her were totally inappropriate, and so was barging into her apartment. She was always a good friend to Shaun, and he knew he should have been more appreciative of her instead of seeing her as a flakey evil temptress.

He was definitely going to miss her, even her sassy attitude.

Aaron's thoughts were then interrupted by a tiny, delicate gag. He took one look at Nell, noticing that she had spat up all over her lime green onesie that had a cute little smiley frog on it.

"Debbie, can you go grab the diaper bag?" He requested as he reached over towards the travel crib, carefully lifting the fragile little human being out of it. "Shaun said there were spare clothes in there."

"I'm on it," she confirmed, getting up off of the couch to retrieve the diaper bag from the dining room table.

Aaron glared back at Nell, grasping her tiny, soft hand with his fingers, which she grabbed in return. "Your daddy wouldn't like it if we kept you in dirty or stained clothes," he cooed melodiously.

Once Debbie returned with the diaper bag, they used a burp cloth to wipe up the vomit before changing the baby into a fresh clean onesie.

Aaron held Nell in his arms while Debbie caressed her soft and delicate scalp. The infant glared up at them with open eyes; they were definitely Shaun's blue eyes. He remembered when Maddie was this tiny, which was 33 years ago. If she was still alive, she probably would have had a child of her own by now, and it was tragic that she never got the opportunity to reach that milestone.

"She is just adorable," sighed Debbie sorrowfully, trying to get her and her husband's minds off the tragedy that had just happened today and the sad fact that Nell would never know her mother.

Aaron recollected the moment he and Debbie visited Shaun and Lea in the hospital when Nell was born. Shaun holding his newborn was a heartwarming image for Aaron to see, especially when her tiny hand grabbed his finger and squeezed it. It also made him feel like he was a grandfather.

Not long after Lea and Shaun started dating, she told him about the incident with the baseball bat in the parking lot, which was the first time he ever felt bad and even concerned for her. Shaun apologized for it, but he was quite cross with Shaun when he found out. He felt even more for Lea when she revealed the true reason why she didn't want to start a relationship with Shaun at first. It wasn't that she wasn't interested in him romantically or even because of his autism, it was because she believed that she would be a terrible girlfriend and that she didn't deserve to be happy. She didn't think Shaun would be able to handle her issues. She just used his autism as an excuse, which she regretted and apologized for. She had self-esteem issues, self-loathing, and self-hate that she really needed help for.

And when Shaun informed him about Lea's family, especially about the toxic relationship she always had with her mother, he actually started to care a lot more for her.

When Lea and Shaun told him that they were having a baby, he was kind of shocked as well as concerned because they had only been dating for seven to eight months, but he was happy for both of them anyway since they had known each other and lived together long enough. They weren't strangers who just had a one-night stand. Although, he could already guess that Lea was pregnant even before they told him since she was showing obvious symptoms.

Throughout the past nine months, she kind of drove him crazy with her hormones and her sassiness while working for him. One time, she cried hysterically because the computer at her desk wouldn't turn on and she turned out to be pressing the wrong button due to pregnancy brain.

Aaron also thought about the last moment he had with Shaun and Lea before Nell was born...other than the moment he drove them to the hospital after Lea's water broke.

* * *

_Aaron and Debbie were having dinner with Shaun and Lea, who was 38 weeks pregnant, in their apartment. They all wanted to have just one more moment together before the baby was born._

_And since Little Murphy - Eleanor if it was a girl or Steven if it was a boy - could arrive any day now at any minute, it was now or never._

_"So, what's it been like working without me?" Lea, whose maternity leave started two weeks ago, asked Aaron. "I'm guessing my absence is a blessing," she jokingly commented, a smirk displayed on her face._

_"I'm enjoying getting a long break from you, but I do miss your sassy attitude," quipped Aaron, glaring at Lea with a smug expression. "I'm going to be missing it for the next 16 weeks."_

_"Claire told me that she hates that I won't be working with her for 18 weeks," Shaun, whose paternity leave would start as soon as the baby was born, added monotonously to the conversation. Lea also wanted to work all the way up until she went into labor, but once she reached full-term, the discomfort became too much for her to the point she couldn't even concentrate. She was going to be returning to work before Shaun._

_"Well, since your last year of residency isn't that far, I don't blame her," chuckled Aaron, which was followed by a giggle from Debbie._

_The noisy atmosphere quieted down for a little bit before Shaun finally spoke up._

_"Can I ask you something, Dr. Glassman?" Shaun requested nervously as he pushed the food on his plate around with his fork._

_"Sure, Shaun," Aaron, intrigued, gave a reassuring nod. "You don't need to ask me for permission."_

_"He's afraid it will kill the mood," Lea forewarned, looking somber as she took a bite of her green beans._

_"What?" Aaron chuckled in confusion as he slowly took a sip of water. "Why?"_

_"It's a personal question," Shaun stated bluntly, staring at the table._

_"Look, if you're going to ask me anything, just go ahead and ask me, please," cajoled Aaron._

_Shaun just decided to let it all out and tell his mentor what was on his mind._

_"What...was it...like...when Maddie was born?" Shaun asked, still nervous, wondering if he should have asked that. He has asked Dr. Glassman questions about what he should do as a birth partner in the delivery room, but he never asked him about his experience in being one._

_Aaron guessed that Shaun and Lea were afraid to ask this question because of the mention of Maddie, but he knew that Shaun would have a lot of questions about being a father, so he expected his deceased daughter to at least be brought up at some point._

_"I appreciate you being considerate," began Aaron, smiling sensibly. "And while a question with a mention of Maddie can be saddening a little, it's not like you were asking me about her death. I would love to share good memories, too."_

_"So, what was it like? How did you feel?" Shaun beseeched before explaining his reasoning. "I asked Dr. Park about how he felt when Kellan was born, and he said that he was nervous and excited and that it was the proudest moment of his life. I asked a few patients and some of the employees who had children, too. But I want more answers and I saved you for last."_

_"Well, my answer is the same as Dr. Park, but I'll say the whole thing anyway. It was the best day of my life," admitted Aaron. "The birth was indescribable. I couldn't help but be so overjoyed. I was also kind of in disbelief because it was kind of weird to grasp at the fact that this baby was my own child that I was suddenly responsible for. It was pretty overwhelming, but I knew it was going to be worth it."_

_Although Maddie didn't make it to adulthood, Aaron still believed that raising her was worth it. That didn't mean he had no regrets, though._

_"Were you nervous about being a good father?" Shaun asked._

_"Oh, yes," said Aaron. He smiled at Shaun and Lea, completely understanding how they felt. Shaun had gone through the doubts and fears of fatherhood many times, and Lea had the same feelings about motherhood._

_"I guess it's safe to say that both Shaun and I are experiencing the same thing," beamed Lea, who then winced a little bit as she felt what she thought was either Braxton Hicks or a real contraction._

_"Lea, are you alright?" Debbie, ready to get up out of her chair, asked in concern as Lea groaned softly for a few seconds._

_"It could just be Braxton Hicks," hypothesized Shaun._

_The pain subsided once Lea took a sip of water._

_"Yep, it's definitely Braxton Hicks because they stopped as soon as I took a drink of water. Damn it, I was really hoping this was it!" She sighed in disappointment. She had been having a difficult pregnancy and painfully just had the baby manually turned around two weeks ago so it would be positioned to be born head first. She was so tired of being pregnant and she just wanted this baby out of her._

_"So was I," sympathized Shaun, disappointed that this wasn't actual labor. He was really excited to meet his baby._

_"Are you sure?" Aaron asked, half-joking and aware that Lea was totally correct. "Because if this is the real..."_

_"Yes, I'm sure 100%," replied Lea, rolling her eyes. "Shaun told me that Braxton Hicks subside once I change positions, drink, or eat, and that is what happened. It's also what our OB and doula said. They all agree that if these were real contractions, I wouldn't need to get to the hospital until they are less than five minutes apart, when my water breaks, or when my mucus plug comes loose. And neither of those things have happened yet."_

_"Okay, noted," acknowledged Aaron, already aware of all of those facts and information._

_"How do you two feel about this?" Debbie initiated, changing the subject._

_"I'm still nervous and anxious, not just about being a parent, but also about everything that can go wrong during childbirth," divulged Lea, her face wrought with anxiety as she tapped her fingers against the table._

_"Me, too," agreed Shaun, obviously nervous as he stimmed with his hands._

_"I'm sure everything will go fine," reassured Aaron for the umpteenth time. "I wish you two the best."_

_"Thanks, Glassy," Lea voiced, giving him a sweet smile._

_Aaron was proud of both Shaun and Lea and was looking forward to meeting his surrogate grandchild._

_"You got this."_


	4. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shaun wakes up the next morning (or noon) and reminisces about the difficulties of Lea's pregnancy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this story, Dr. Park's family moved to San Jose. Also, just a reminder, reviews and feedback are welcome :)

After crying himself to sleep the night before and forgetting about Lea's traumatizing death for awhile, Shaun painfully recalled it all over again when he woke up with a slight pounding in his head. He couldn't remember how long he had slept, so he grabbed his phone from the coffee table to verify the time.

It read 12:33 pm.

He additionally noticed a few texts not only from Dr. Glassman and Debbie, but also from Claire, Morgan, Carly, Dr. Park, Dr. Lim, Dr. Andrews, and even Jared sending their condolences and paying their respects.

** DR. GLASSMAN: Shaun, just text me if you change your mind and want me to come stay with you, okay. Also, please get some sleep and shower. Please take care of yourself. Let me know when you want us to bring Nell back. If you need more time alone, that's okay. Debbie and I can keep watching Nell. **

** DEBBIE: Nell misses you, but she is doing fine right now. She's been fed and changed and is now sleeping. I hope you're doing okay, though. **

** CLAIRE: How are you holding up? If there is anything I can do to help - clean, cook, or watch Nell - just let me know. **

** MORGAN: How are you doing? How is Eleanor doing? I hope you're both doing okay. **

** CARLY: I just heard about what happened to Lea. I'm so sorry, Shaun. My heart - both my actual heart and my heart tattoo - goes out to you and Eleanor. **

** DR. PARK: I'm so sorry for your loss, Shaun. If you need help with anything, Mia, Kellan, and I are happy to give it. **

** DR. LIM: Please accept my deepest and heartfelt condolences. You're also welcome to ask me for some help. Being a single parent isn't going to be easy. **

** DR. ANDREWS: Hey, Shaun. How are you holding up? Just know that you are in my thoughts and my heart goes out to you and your little girl in your time of sorrow. **

** JARED: I just heard from Morgan about your girlfriend. I'm sorry for your loss and I wish you and your daughter the best. **

Although Shaun had observed Debbie's text about Nell's well-being, he still felt the need to send a text to Dr. Glassman asking him about her.

**SHAUN: How is Nell? Is she still alive and breathing? Is she showing any signs of a fever? When was the last time she was fed, changed, and burped? Did you remember tummy time? You're also putting her to sleep on her back, right?**

Less than two seconds later, Dr. Glassman texted him back.

** DR. GLASSMAN: Nell is just fine and she is still alive, and she is showing no signs of a fever. She was fed and burped about 45 minutes ago and was changed like less than 10 minutes ago. And yes, we did remember tummy time and we are putting her to sleep on her back. We do know that. We're aware of the pediatrician-recommended guidelines. She hasn't fallen on her soft spot either. Don't worry, everything is fine and under control. But most importantly, how are you doing? I hope you got a good rest? Again, let me know if you need anything. **

Shaun texted his mentor back, telling him he was fine before finally deciding to get cleaned up.

* * *

Once Shaun walked into the bathroom, he noticed his full set of facial hair - sideburns, mustache, and beard - in the mirror reflection, so he clearly needed a good shave. He was starting to look like a 19th century man in 21st century clothing.

When he stepped into the shower, he didn't bother to set any of the daily alarms on his phone. After Nell was born, he temporarily shut those off so the loud ringing wouldn't wake her up and so the annoying, repetitive noises wouldn't disturb him and Lea while they were trying to get the very little sleep they were getting and make them crankier than they needed to be.

As Shaun showered, he mostly just stood there in utter numbness and stared straight at the tiny, clear water droplets that were dripping down the ceramic walls and see-through door. A calming and relaxing sensation, he allowed the warm water to fall down onto his head and shoulders and flow down his back.

He and Lea often showered together, especially during her third trimester when her chances of slipping in the shower had increased. Sometimes, he would use the water sprouting out from the showerhead as a soothing back massager for her to ease her intolerable back pain.

* * *

_ It was the middle of May, and Shaun and Lea were a week overdue from becoming parents. Lea sure as hell hoped it would be happening in a week or less because if her labor didn't start by the end of the week, she was going to need to be induced. Most of all, she was so done with being pregnant. _

_ She's tried everything she could to get this baby to come: taking long walks, exercise, red raspberry leaf tea, nipple stimulation, sex, and even eating spicy foods despite Shaun's recommendation against it. _

_ Since the onset of her third trimester, Lea had been enduring added hip, lower back, leg, and round ligament pain as well as sciatica. _

_ Furthermore, instead of walking the way she normally used to, she was waddling like a penguin. _

_ Before her pregnancy, it was typically Shaun who would have trouble catching Zs while Lea would be the one blissfully sleeping like a log. Now that Lea was heavily pregnant, the situation would either be the total opposite or both of them struggling to fall asleep. Right now, Shaun was in a peaceful slumber while Lea was extremely uncomfortable as she strived to fall asleep. _

_ She desperately wanted to sleep, but the Braxton Hicks and the baby constantly on the move were a distraction. For the past few months, her womb has gotten even more crowded in there for the baby. Dr. Garcia told her that meant the placenta was still passing nutrients and giving oxygen to the fetus. Lea just didn't like that it had to be so uncomfortable. _

_ As much as Lea occasionally loved to feel her baby kick and nudge, there were times she wished they would just give it a rest with the "hello" jabs. To make things worse, she felt like she had a bowling ball strapped to her midsection that was crushing her insides. The baby was squashing her bladder, making her need to pee frequently and until a few weeks ago before finally dropping lower into her pelvis, the baby had been pushing her lungs upward making it difficult to take a breath. Sometimes, the baby's foot would find itself lodged under Lea's ribcage. _

_ Relaxing felt almost impossible due to having to pee frequently, the midnight leg cramps, the heartburn, and just being super uncomfortable. Plus - swollen feet and ankles, hemorrhoids, congestion, lightning crotch, constipation, not being able to reach anything below her waist, sciatic nerve pain, itching, stretchmarks, Braxton Hicks, nausea, headaches, and worst of all, the nosy strangers who thought it was totally appropriate to touch her belly or give her unsolicited advice - Lea was so ready to be through. _

_ Right next to Lea, Shaun was fast asleep. She tossed and turned all night as she tried to find a comfortable position to sleep in. _

_ Lea just wished to be sedated so she could ignore her aches, pains, and general discomfort. She was always a stomach sleeper, but she couldn't lie down like that anymore, let alone on her back. All she could do now these days was sleep on her side surrounded by pillows; between her knees, under her belly, and behind her back. _

_ She couldn't take it anymore. She started crying, whimpering, moaning, and groaning in agonizing frustration. "Oh, god! Make it stop!" _

_ "Lea, are you okay? Is the baby coming?" Shaun, half-asleep, sputtered calmly as he jolted awake. _

_ "No, but I wish," Lea whimpered and groaned in defeat. "I just can't sleep!" _

_ "Are you in pain?" Shaun, now fully awake, asked with concern. _

_ Lea rolled her eyes at Shaun, completely aware that he was going to be fixated on this. He was always perturbed. _

_ "Yes," sniffed Lea, wiping a tear from her face. "I just want to sleep! I want this baby to be born already!" _

_ "What hurts the most?" Shaun prodded, longing to give her comfort and make the pain stop. _

_ Lea sighed in frustration. "My back." _

_ "Would you like me to run the shower over your back?" He offered, knowing that it usually helped with her pain. _

_ "Yes." _

* * *

_ With one hand, Shaun waved the running showerhead over the lumbar region of Lea's back. He rubbed her shoulder with the other. Lea breathed heavily as she felt the soothing sensation of warm water trickle down onto her aching back. _

_ Both of them were completely naked in the shower of their bathroom, which was now looking different than it was last month. In their separate bathtub, there was a grey bath mat shaped like a whale they had bought weeks ago; it was meant to prevent dangerous slips and falls. There was also a grey elbow saver on the edge and grey bath kneeler also shaped like a whale to the side; those were meant to act as cushions while they would bathe the baby. Over the bath faucet, there was a grey bath spout cover that was also shaped like a whale. Perched on their sink counter was an infant bathtub. Their bathroom was certainly prepared for the baby. _

_ "Thank you, Shaun," Lea sighed inaudibly, pressing her hands against the ceramic walls. "I just want this pregnancy to be over!" _

_ "Babe," Shaun lathered the soap bar over his girlfriend's exposed shoulder blades and wrapped an arm around her pregnant belly. "The baby will eventually come out whether it happens naturally or not. It won't stay in there forever, so by a maximum, you only have one more week left of this." _

_ "I know," sighed Lea, leaning forward against the walls of the shower. "I just want this baby out of me now! And, I want to have sex after this." _

_ "Do you want to have sex because you want an orgasm to distract you or do you want to have sex to try inducing labor?" Shaun questioned, definitely in the mood for sex right now if Lea was. Recently, they've been using sex and foreplay as a distraction from her aches and pains by bringing her to orgasm. He told her that an early 20th century book actually once advised doctors to put pressure on the clitoris to ease pain and help deliver the baby. _

_ "Both," replied Lea, giggling seductively. "And because we're both completely naked, I'm kind of feeling turned on right now." _

_ Despite her pain, Lea really did appreciate Shaun's comfort throughout the past nine months. So far, he has been very good at handling her and her hormones. He would massage her back, rub her swollen feet, practice breathing exercises with her, cook for her, and provide her manicures and pedicures. She hated to admit it, but she enjoyed being pampered like this. And embarrassingly, while she would sit on the toilet suffering from constipation, he would kneel right next to her and let her squeeze his hand while she tried to make a bowel movement; sometimes "rehearsing" labor. _

_ He was going to be a good father. _

* * *

Shaun thought about the hell Lea had gone through as he got out of the shower before he started to shave his face and brush his teeth.

She had a rather difficult pregnancy. She had terrible morning sickness and at 16 weeks pregnant, she was diagnosed and hospitalized for hyperemesis gravidarum. At 24 weeks pregnant, she was tested positive for gestational diabetes. At 32 weeks pregnant, it was confirmed that the baby was in a complete breech position. At 36 weeks pregnant, the baby still hadn't turned around and in order to avoid a c-section, their obstetrician performed an EVC and although it was successful, it was also very painful for Lea. She also had to have her labor induced and it was also an extremely difficult and harrowing labor and delivery.

Even at six weeks postpartum, they still couldn't catch a break after all the hell Lea suffered for nine months.

Once he finished shaving his face and brushing his teeth, he sent Dr. Glassman a text saying that he still needed some time alone.

Mourning the death of the mother of his child wasn't how Shaun pictured spending his paternity leave at all.


	5. I Can Do This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shaun thinks about the worries he has about the future as well as thinking back to the moment when he found out he was going to be a father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although we don't know when this whole coronavirus social-distancing thing will be over, I'm just going to say that in this story, it had ended in May, June, or July and that the flashback scene in this chapter is set in September. We're also just going to assume that it was February when the earthquake happened and that most of the Season 3b events took place in January. Also, if you want to review or critique this, don't be afraid. I love and appreciate constructive criticism :)

It had been two days since Lea passed away and Shaun continued to receive texts from everyone offering him their help with anything he needed. And as usual, he refused and turned everyone away.

Now that all of Lea's vital organs - except for her liver and kidneys, they were too damaged - had been harvested for transplants for patients who needed them, her body was able to be transferred to the morgue. Her heart, lungs, pancreas, and intestines were given to four different patients. They could continue to live good lives thanks to her.

Social services were trying to locate her family in Hershey because Shaun thought they at least deserved to know, especially her older brother Donnie. He was also too upset to plan her funeral alone and he needed help writing her obituary. And since they weren't married and she had no will or healthcare proxy, Lea's parents were her next of kin, not Shaun.

However, Shaun was also starting to question if contacting Lea's family was a wise idea. He never met them, but Lea has told him a lot about them.

She hasn't spoken to any of them for almost three years and according to her, her family is a complete disaster. Donald and Virginia Dilallo divorced when she was five, and then Donald died of a heart attack when she was 19. She and Donnie weren't there to see it because they were away at college at the time. When it came to Virginia, she had the habit of criticizing her daughter for almost everything - her appearance, her hobbies, her boyfriends, and her life choices. And after Lea and Donnie tanked their grandfather's auto shop along with their relationship, their relationship with their mother became estranged as well.

Most of all, Shaun wasn't sure what Virginia would think of him, especially since her daughter never contacted her to tell her she was pregnant. He was already assuming that she wouldn't like him very much. He also had a fear that she would try to demand custody of Nell and use his autism against him. Besides Virginia, he was already even more fearful of the scrutiny from others and child welfare agencies who didn't understand now that he was a single father. For instance, besides the dread of the possibility of being labeled "the weird dad", he feared that he would find himself in a custody battle for his child.

He's heard stories of disabled parents losing custody of their children because the court determined them unfit due to their disability. They were awful and heartbreaking, and he found it appalling that this was a real thing. And without Lea, he believed the possibility was a bigger risk for him now.

One thing going through his mind right now was the lack of resources for autistic parents as well as the stigma against people like him. There was not enough research, so there was very little support. This was unsettling because Shaun really needed some helpful advice, but there wasn't enough data (actually, there was barely any) covering parents on the spectrum. Although autistic parents existed in some parts of the world and probably have for a long time without anyone noticing, the idea that anyone on the spectrum could raise a child was long considered impossible and undesirable. Because of this, Shaun felt kind of isolated from most parents. He felt like he didn't have a parent friend he could really connect with or a group of parent friends he could turn to for support. Sometimes, he worried that he was unable to cope with being a parent.

In fact, the only autism support groups that Shaun knew were for neurotypical parents of autistic children. Those were usually consistent with parents lamenting that their child's autism was a tragedy and that it needed to be cured. It wasn't helpful or reassuring at all.

Researchers were finally starting to do some research on autistic parents, but it was going to be longitudinal. This meant the study will take years to finish, and it will need to be replicated again and again. It was great that they were getting the ball rolling and parents on the spectrum were finally getting some recognition, but Shaun and the other autistic parents of his generation were going to be the guinea pigs. He couldn't imagine what it was like for the autistic parents of Temple Grandin's generation.

He tried not to worry too much about it as he devoured his lunch and attended to some paperwork, watching Nell sleep safely and peacefully in her bassinet through the baby monitor screen. It would only be a matter of time before she would start crying again.

He couldn't help but reflect back to the time Lea told him she was pregnant with Nell.

* * *

_ As Shaun walked through the door after coming home from his shift, he noticed Lea - who had moved back in during the beginning of March just before the whole coronavirus quarantine nightmare started - standing in the exact spot he was occupying when he asked her if he looked nice before he left to ask Carly out. _

_ The earnest expression on her face indicated that she was nervous and serious. "Shaunie, we need to talk." _

_ "Okay. Are you going to break up with me?" Shaun guessed, apprehensive of what this conversation was going to be about and already assuming the worst-case scenario.  _

_ Their relationship was improving for the better and they had already made so much progress. He didn't want that to be thrown away like it was with Carly. She decided to break-up with him when he thought everything was going well with her. They'd still be together if they tried to work things out over her jealousy of Lea, but he and Carly were already both happy with where they were in their lives right now. Shaun had Lea and Carly had found a new man, Dr. Patrick Robinson, the head of St. Bonaventure's pharmacy. They've been together for almost seven months and were already moving in together. They were perfect for each other. _

_ "Are you mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Whatever I did, I'm sorry," Shaun quavered, rubbing his hands together as he walked over towards Lea, relieved but still anxious about what this conversation was leading to. _

_ "I'm not mad at you, Shaun. You did nothing wrong," she reassured, gently reaching out to grab his hand and then lure him towards the couch. "But there is something I need to tell you. Let's just sit down." _

_ Once they both sat themselves down on the couch, they resumed the conversation. _

_ "There is no easy way to say this, so I'm just going to go ahead and be blunt," she paused and avoided making eye contact with Shaun, staring down at the floor with her hands tightly folded into her lap. _

_"Okay," said Shaun, impatiently waiting for Lea to spit out whatever she had to say already._

_ She let out an exhale and then finally said it. "My period, it's...it's late." _

_ Shaun's brain took a while to process the words Lea just told him. His eyes widened with surprise. When they started dating, Shaun asked Lea a few of the same questions he asked Carly, and having children was one of the things they were both on the same page for. However, when it came to the "how soon" area, neither of them was planning on it this early in the relationship, especially after spending the majority of their first months living together as a couple either at the hospital or quarantined at home. They agreed that they wouldn't start trying until after getting married and Lea would stop taking her birth control pills. _

_ "You think you're..." _

_ "I don't know, Shaun," she interjected, sighing tensely and anxiously. "I haven't taken a pregnancy test yet. I was going to buy one tomorrow, but I wanted to let you know about this ahead of time so it wouldn't be an absolute shock if it's positive." _

_ Shaun tried to react in some way, but so many thoughts were now running through his head. He couldn't understand how Lea was able to get pregnant since they always used protection (he actually knew how it could have happened, he just couldn't believe it), especially during the whole coronavirus saga. He always wore a condom and she usually took her birth control pills every single day, even the pills she missed. Sure, he was well aware that every method of contraception wasn't 100% effective, but the chances of failure were usually very slim. On another note, no matter how responsible she was, Lea has missed more than two pills at some point. _

_ "What are we going to do if it turns out positive, besides have a doctor confirm it?" Shaun asked. He wasn't sure if they were ready to be parents yet, but perhaps they could make this work? They never discussed what they would do if they accidentally got pregnant, and he didn't discuss that with Carly either. "I'll support whatever decision you make. And if you want to keep the baby, that's fine with me." _

_ "Are you sure, Shaun?" Lea faltered. "I mean, I really do want to keep the baby. It's what I want, but only if the decision is mutual. I also don't want to pressure or rush you into something if you're not ready. I mean, do you want to? I can get an abortion if you're not ready, and I'd be okay with that too since there will still be opportunities for me to have a baby in the future." _

_ Shaun actually did want to give fatherhood a try...even though it was a bit early. "Yes, I want to, but..." _

_ "But what, Shaun?" _

_ "Are you sure you're fine with having an autistic child...or a child that isn't 'normal'?" He asked nervously, aware of the chances that their child could be on the spectrum like him, or have some other disability or difference. They weren't fixated on having a "normal" child, and they were okay with that. However, Shaun still wanted to double-check with Lea and make sure she was actually ready and willing to put herself up for the challenge. _

_ "Yes, it is totally okay with me. I'll also have you as a partner to help me out, which is an upgrade. Also, I don't care if our child is deaf, blind, or has no legs. As long as they're alive and can have a life, and also don't grow up to be a serial killer or worse, that's all that matters," she replied thoughtfully before telling a joke. "But if they come out with a rat tail, we're cutting that off immediately. I'm talking about the hairstyle; I hate them." _

_ Even though that was never going to happen, Shaun definitely agreed with Lea about rat tails. He hated them, too. _

_ "I'm also scared," confessed Shaun, getting back to their serious discussion. _

_ "Me, too, Shaunie," agreed Lea. "But, if it turns out positive, we can get through this. We can do this. We can make this work." _

* * *

_ The next day, Lea bought a pregnancy test from the pharmacy on her way home from the hospital. She waited until Shaun came home from his shift to take the test because they wanted to find out together, no matter if it was positive or negative. The anticipation of it clouded their minds all day, and both of them were secretly hoping it was positive. _

_ It felt like an eternity before they were finally alone in their apartment and Lea was holding the pregnancy test in her shaking hands, about to take the test. _

_ Excited but also nervous, Shaun took in deep breaths. _

_ "I'm fine," he replied. "Let's just get this over with. I can't wait anymore. I want to know now." _

_ "Me, too," Lea agreed before heading towards the bathroom. "I'll go ahead and go pee on this thing." _

_ Shaun sat on the living room couch as he impatiently waited for Lea to come out and show him the result. He tapped his feet and rubbed his hands together anxiously. _

_ It felt like eons before Lea finally came out of the bathroom. Grinning with proudness, she handed him the pregnancy test for him to look at. "See for yourself, Shaun." _

_ He shakily exhaled as he stared at the stick in his hands, not caring that she didn't put the cap back on the end she had urinated on. They were both going to need to wash their hands after this. There were two pink lines, which meant it was positive. _

_ Lea was pregnant...with his baby. He was going to be a father. _

_ "W-We're...going to be parents?" Shaun quavered, sounding surprised and amazed, finally breaking the silence. _

_ Lea nodded with a beaming teary-eyed smile, a similar grin she gave him when she told him they were going to be roommates. "I'm pregnant, Shaunie!" _

_ "I-It's positive!" Shaun chirped happily, his voice slowly building up into pure excitement as he merrily sprang up from the couch. _

_ "Yes, it is!" Lea squealed with enthusiasm. _

_ "Oh, we're going to be parents!" Shaun gloated practically jumping up and down in joy and excitement, happily stimming. _

_ "We're going to be parents!" Lea echoed, joining Shaun in his happy dance and stimming with him. _

_ There were now tears in both of their eyes. They hugged each other in joyousness over the fact that they were going to have a baby. _

_ However, Lea was kind of afraid of how Dr. Glassman was going to react to this. _

* * *

When Shaun's thoughts were interrupted by Nell's shrill cries, he made his way towards his and Lea's bedroom to get her.

"Hey, hey," he cooed quietly and inaudibly as he carefully picked her up and gingerly cradled her against his chest, supporting her neck and buttocks as her head rested against his shoulder, before giving her a kiss on her forehead. "It's okay, sweetie. Daddy's right here. Daddy's here."

After Shaun whispered soothing, hushed words to her, Nell finally calmed down after a minute and then snuggled deeper into her father's chest and gripped his shirt with her tiny fists, reminding him that he made her feel safe, secure, and loved.

Shaun had a few doubts and fears about becoming a father, even while Lea was pregnant. Despite wanting to have children, he sometimes wondered if he was cut out to be a father. Being autistic didn't have to exempt him from being a good father, but his own father was an abusive alcoholic and he sometimes feared that he would turn out just like him.

He and Lea knew very well that parenting wasn't going to be a walk in the park for them, especially since he was still trying to work on his communication difficulties. They were well aware that they were going to make a lot of mistakes as parents at some point and Dr. Glassman reassured them that one mistake shouldn't scar their child for life, but Shaun was still fearful of messing up his daughter for life because his own father did kind of mess him up for life.

He could still hear Ethan Murphy's cold, mean voice in his head as well as those cruel, unforgetful, haunting words.

_ "I wish you were never born!" _

_ "You're damn right Stevie's death wasn't my fault. It was yours!" _

"I can be a good father, I can do better than my own father. I'm nothing like your paternal grandfather," he said to the little girl with confidence, letting tears drop from his eyes. "I can do so much better than him, especially if you're like me. I will be a better father than him."

There was a possible chance of her being autistic like him, which wouldn't be a problem. What he really feared was Nell having a difficult life, just like him.

_ What if she wants friends but she struggles to make them and she feels alone? What if she's bullied? What if a caregiver or teacher is mean to her, and she doesn't have the means to tell me? What if a therapist discourages her stimming, or forces eye contact? What if she faces discrimination, gets abused or exploited, or becomes a victim of a hate crime? If she is neurotypical, will she see me as an unloving parent? _

He thought of every worst-case scenario, but didn't want to worry about any of them right now. He just remembered the reassuring words Lea told him a few months ago:

_ "Shaun, bad parents come in all shapes and sizes. As do good parents. Being neurotypical doesn't exempt someone from being a bad parent, and being autistic doesn't exempt you from being a good parent. If you can succeed at being a good person, a good doctor, a good friend, and a good boyfriend, I think you can succeed at being a good dad." _

"Everything is going to be okay, this isn't your fault," he whispered softly to Nell and gave her another kiss. "I love you. I always will. You are worth the trouble."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Although Shaun and Lea have always been my OTP of the show, I do ship and enjoy Sharly as well and I like Carly as a character in her own right, and I hate that we won't see her that way in Season 4. So, I hope you're all glad to see that I confirmed that Carly is in a good place in this story and not forgotten. And don't worry, even if it's not going to be in every chapter, she will get some heartwarming mentions and even one scene with Shaun in a later chapter :)
> 
> Also, an important reminder, all the Lea and Carly haters are not welcome here. If you have a vile negative, hateful opinion of any of them, keep it to yourself please. Character bashing for the sake of a ship is one of my biggest pet peeves in fandom...and I would rather not see any comments vilifying and saying mean things about Carly or any anti-Lea/Shea trolls that just want to piss me off. I thankfully haven't seen any yet and I hope I don't because I will remove comments like that.


	6. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shaun meets Lea's mother and brother for the first time, and it doesn't go well with Lea's mother. However, Lea's brother is able to give him a heart to heart talk. Shaun also remembers his and Lea's first ultrasound.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I must warn you, there is the use of the r-word (although not the whole word) in this chapter. Again, feedback/reviews are welcome.

_Lea was officially 10 weeks pregnant, and she and Shaun still hadn't told anyone. Shaun thought it would be better to wait until Lea reached 13 weeks, which was when the risk of miscarriage would drop sharply, to tell Dr. Glassman and everyone else. So far, the only employee at St. Bonaventure who knew about this was Dr. Elizabeth Garcia, the hospital's head of obstetrics and gynecology. They had chosen her as their regular OB/GYN._

_However, since they work at a hospital and are usually surrounded by a bunch of medical professionals all day, both Shaun and Lea realized that they wouldn't be fooling anyone for too long. Although she wasn't showing yet, with Lea's morning sickness, nausea, fatigue, mood swings, her sudden aversion to coffee, and her frequent need to use the bathroom, she believed that Dr. Glassman was getting suspicious because he definitely noticed all of it. The other day, he asked her if there was any way she could be pregnant, but she denied it. He even asked Shaun, but he dismissed it as well despite usually being an honest man._

_And Dr. Glassman wasn't the only one who smelled something fishy. Debbie noticed it as well; and so did Claire, Morgan, Dr. Lim, Dr. Park, Dr. Andrews, Carly, JL, Nurse Petringa, Nurse Villanueva, Nurse Fletcher, Nurse Hawkes, Nurse Dhanoa...pregnancy rumors were probably already being spread. No matter how much they would question Shaun and Lea about it, they would always deny them even though the rumors were true._

_Today was the day of their first ultrasound, and Shaun and Lea were both excited to finally get a glimpse of their baby. As they waited in the waiting room of St. Bonaventure's OB/GYN clinic, they hoped that no acquaintances would recognize them here. They wondered if they should go ahead and announce the pregnancy and get it out of the way. They didn't think they could keep it a secret any longer, especially Shaun._

_"Lea Dilallo?" A nurse called, motioning for them to come with her. The two of them stood up and proceeded with her down the hall to an exam room, where she checked Lea's weight and blood pressure and also had her give a urine sample. "The doctor will be in with you in a few minutes."_

_As they sat alone in the exam room, Shaun and Lea's jitters, nervousness, and anxiety had increased at the rate of an accelerating bicycle. While clutching his repaired plastic toy scalpel tightly in one hand, Shaun tightly gripped Lea's hand with his other._

_"Shaun, are you okay?" Lea, who was stiffly perched on the exam table, asked her boyfriend. "You're squeezing my hand pretty hard."_

_"I'm sorry," jabbered Shaun, loosening his grip a little. "Not really, I'm just excited...and I don't think I want to keep this a secret anymore."_

_"To be honest, neither do I," sighed Lea in relief. "I have to tell you, the wait is killing me and stressing me out. Want to just go ahead and spill the beans? We can do it tomorrow."_

_"I like that idea very much," acquiesced Shaun, eager to finally let the cat out of the bag. "But, I'm kind of nervous about it. I don't know if Dr. Glassman will like this."_

_"Relax, everything is going to be fine. Glassy might be a bit surprised, but hopefully not upset enough to resent us. I'm sure he'll at least be supportive even if he might still hate me just a little bit," Lea assured, cupping his cheek, and then allowing Shaun to place his hand over her belly._

_Right on cue, Dr. Garcia walked into the room and greeted the parents-to-be._

* * *

Shaun's thoughts were disrupted by the sound of a knock at the door, hoping it didn't disturb Nell because he had just fed her and settled her down for her nap. He checked the baby monitor and saw that she was fast asleep. She stirred a little, but she wasn't awake.

He walked towards the door and then opened it, revealing a 50-something-year-old woman with brown eyes and wavy greying dark brown hair and a tall 30-something-year-old man with brown eyes and jet black hair. Minus the wrinkles, the woman had facial features that were definitely similar to Lea.

 _These people are probably Lea's relatives,_ thought Shaun. He heard that social services had finally located her family, but nobody warned him about them coming to his house without telling him first.

"Hey, um..." the man began awkwardly, scratching his head nervously as he tried to introduce himself. "I-I-I..."

"I'm Virginia Dilallo," the woman interrupted, introducing herself. "I was informed that this was my daughter Lea's latest address. This is Donnie, her brother. We were told that she not only just died four days ago, but she also just had a baby out of wedlock. We're here to discuss her funeral arrangements."

Shaun couldn't believe it. Lea's mother and brother were actually standing right at his door. While Donnie showcased looks of grief and guilt on his face, Virginia was staring down at him with an expression of disapproval, displeasure, and disappointment.

"So, you must be Shaun," Donnie guessed. "The father of Lulu...Lea's child? We would call her 'Lulu' sometimes."

"Yes, and I know. She told me that," Shaun replied apprehensively, standing stiffly. "We were a couple. I'm a surgical resident at San Jose St. Bonaventure hospital, where she was a tech support worker and also the president's assistant."

"That's cool," Donnie complimented, timidly reaching out his hand for Shaun to shake. "It's nice to meet you."

Shaun didn't want to shake Donnie's hand, but he accepted it anyway. He really desired to make a great first impression to his "in-laws". Donnie was "bullheaded", according to Lea, but he also had the resemblance of a cool and chill man overall, almost like a male version of Lea. Virginia, on the other hand, was unfortunately definitely starting to live up to his dreaded expectations.

"Come on in," Shaun motioned, holding the door open for the two guests as they walked in. He closed the door behind him before joining the two of them.

"Where is my granddaughter?" Virginia demanded, glaring at Shaun like he just kicked a puppy off a cliff. "Let me see her!"

"No," protested Shaun sternly and assertively. "I just put her down for a nap and I don't want to wake her up. You can see her when she wakes up."

"I completely understand. It's okay, just take your time. My husband and I didn't want any visitors after our son was born," explained Donnie, shooting Shaun a kindly smile. "And I'm very sorry about everything that has happened. I can only guess this must be pretty hard for you."

"Lea has a nephew?" Shaun questioned, in disbelief, but really not that shocked considering what Lea told him about her and Donnie's last interaction.

"Yeah," sighed Donnie, his face ample of obvious regret and sadness that his son would never get to know his aunt. "His name is Mateo and he is six-months-old."

"He is also my grandson, and you and Rafael never allow me to visit," scoffed Virginia, her hands planted on her hips. "And now Lulu and Shane are doing the same thing."

"It's Shaun!" Shaun corrected in annoyance, his anger starting to boil up. "Shaun with a U!"

"And for the umpteenth time, my husband's name is Raul, not Rafael," added Donnie as rolled his eyes, followed by an awkward silence engulfing the room.

"Let's all sit down in the living room," suggested Shaun, breaking the silence and changing the subject. "I'll make tea for each of us and we'll start planning her funeral."

* * *

As the three of them arranged the plans for Lea's funeral, Shaun allowed Virginia and Donnie (mostly Virginia, actually) to make most of the decisions, submissive to whatever they decided. Shaun wanted to have Lea cremated, but the decision wasn't his because she didn't have a will and he wasn't her next of kin although he was her emergency contact. Instead, Lea was going to get the typical normative burial she didn't want. However, the three of them came to one compromise: Lea will be buried in Hershey, but her funeral will be held in San Jose.

"She needs to come home," Virginia said, frowning at Shaun. "Going back to California to be with you was a mistake."

"She didn't come..." Shaun was about to refute Virginia's words but was cut off by Nell's cries.

Once Nell finally woke up from her nap, Shaun decided to introduce her to her maternal relatives.

"Is that...my niece?" Donnie questioned, in complete shock and disbelief that the little bundle being held by Shaun was his sister's baby.

"Yes, her name is Eleanor. Eleanor Clementine Murphy," announced Shaun proudly, allowing Donnie to hold her. "But, we call her 'Nell'."

Donnie was in tears as he gleefully gazed down at his niece. "Eleanor. That was our grandmother's name."

"I know," reminded Shaun. It hasn't been that long, but he was already warming up to Lea's brother. As for Lea's mother, he still couldn't stand her so far. She was still sulking and not saying a single positive word.

"Mom, would you like to hold your granddaughter?"

"No," she replied coldly, folding her arms and giving her son and "son-in-law" a cross look.

"Why?" Shaun asked, clearly confused. "You were begging to see her minutes ago."

"You named her after my ex-husband's mother," the woman chided angrily.

"Don't listen to her," reassured Donnie nervously, cooing at the little girl. "I like your name."

"Thank you," obliged Shaun, who was now sitting next to Donnie on the couch.

"So, how did you and Lulu meet? Tell me everything," Donnie asked curiously, letting his niece grab his finger.

"Mm," hesitated Shaun, aware that this was a very long story. "We met back in October 2017 during my first year of surgical residency. I had just moved from Casper, Wyoming into my first apartment, where Lea and I were neighbors. She came knocking on my door asking for batteries."

"Wow!" Donnie looked astonished. "You actually knew each other that long? This is the longest relationship my sister has ever been in. She never told me about you when she came back to Hershey."

"We didn't get together right away, but she did kiss me before she left for Hershey. We became an official couple last year after surviving an earthquake. However, the rest of the story in between is complicated," explained Shaun. "Can I explain later?"

"No problem," assured Donnie, eager to get to know Shaun. "Anyway..."

"You know, it's your fault that my Lulu died!" Virginia shouted at Shaun out of the blue. "It was your fault!"

"Mom, please just calm down!" Donnie begged. Little Nell was startled by the sudden loud noise.

"They told us she died of a postpartum complication," she huffed. "You're a doctor, you should have known! You should have known something was wrong! You're also the one who knocked her up in the first place, so you did this to her!"

"Mom..."

"I don't even think you're a qualified surgeon! You actually sound retar..."

"Mom, don't you dare finish that sentence!" Donnie yelled right back at his mother, which caused Nell to cry.

"Now look what you've done! You woke up the child!"

"You're the one who yelled first!"

As the two of them continued to argue, Shaun couldn't help but feel hurt and he wanted to strangle Virginia for what she said. He mumbled panicked words and tried to restrain himself from smacking the sides of his head. Tears were welling up in his eyes as he hyperventilated. With Virginia and Donnie arguing and Nell screaming, Shaun was going into sensory overload and was seconds away from having a meltdown.

"Be quiet!" He yelled at the top of his lungs in desperation, breathing heavily. "Just stop it! Get out!"

It caught the attention of everyone in the room, but afterward, Shaun just stormed out of the living room and into his room to get away from the conflict. Not only did he need to cool down from his anger and sadness, but he also didn't want them to see him have a meltdown.

* * *

_"So, Lea. How have you been feeling lately?" Dr. Garcia asked kindly._

_"Mostly tired, sore, and nauseous. Also anxious. Shaun has been making sure I'm getting enough fluids and nutrition. But other than that, I feel fine," Lea answered, giving Shaun a mix between the stink-eye and a smug look. "He hovers...a lot."_

_Shaun looked away in slight embarrassment as Dr. Garcia lightly chuckled, smiling at the couple. "I assume this is your first?"_

_"Yes," answered Shaun._

_"Great. Now let's get started," Dr. Garcia offered them an encouraging smile as she prepped her equipment and pulled on a pair of gloves. "Go ahead and lie down and pick up your shirt. I'm also going to need you to pull the front of your pants down so I can get access to your uterus."_

_Once Lea undid her belt and then unbuttoned and unzipped the front of her black khakis, she reclined back onto the exam table and lifted her rainbow-striped sweater up._

_Shaun was already squeezing her hand while clasping Steve's old scalpel with the other._

_Dr. Garcia pulled out a clear tube of gel and then squirted a portion of it onto Lea's exposed abdomen, which felt cold to the touch._

_"Shaun, you were so right," Lea remarked as she flinched at the sudden cold sensation on her belly, smiling at Shaun. "That is really cold."_

_"Alright," said Dr. Garcia as she pressed the wand along Lea's lower abdomen and allowed it to roll around until the monitor instantly picked up the fetus._

_Shaun had his eyes glued to the black and white monitor and the visible white peanut-shaped blob that happened to be his child...his and Lea's child, their child._

_"Perfect. Lea, Shaun, here is your baby," noted Dr. Garcia, pointing at the mass on the screen as she turned on the sound, and then the loud, throbbing sound of the fetal heartbeat could be heard. "And there is the heartbeat."_

_Lea teared up as she and Shaun saw their baby on the screen, and then Shaun felt a tear of his own when they heard their baby's heartbeat. Shaun could feel Lea's grip in his hand tighten as she looked up towards him._

_Shaun didn't usually cry like this when he was happy. He only cried when he was sad._

_"Once again, congratulations," Dr. Garcia smiled as she continued to study the fetus. "The fetus is about 3 centimeters long and 0.14 ounces. They're about the size of a kumquat and can stretch their spine. The eyes and eyelids are more developed. The eyebrows are beginning to grow. The brain is developing fast, and the kidneys are now producing urine. The fetal heart rate is normal. Nothing seems to be concerning, and the fetus appears to be fine. Would you two like a copy of the sonogram?"_

_"Yes," replied Shaun immediately, Lea smiling with him in mutual agreement. "We would like that very much."_

* * *

Shaun sat alone in his room, staring at the framed photo of their first sonogram, Lea and Nell's first picture together even though you could only parts of Lea seen in the photo were her uterus, cervix, and bladder. He was very hurt by what Virginia had said, especially since she was about to call him the worst disability slur of all time.

Lea told him that she could never seem to make her mother happy.

No matter what Lea accomplished in her life - straight As, full scholarships, two gymnastics championships, treasurer of the engineering club, playing the clarinet in symphonic band, earning a part in a school play, being a member of the student council and national honor society, and even joining the varsity baseball, volleyball, and cheerleading teams. Even if Lea was the valedictorian or got into MIT, Virginia probably still wouldn't be satisfied.

She always made her feel insecure about her body; telling her that her breasts were too small or that she was either too fat or too skinny. If Lea was still here right now, Virginia probably would have made her feel bad about her extra baby weight. Whatever Lea would wear, Virginia would always have something negative to say about it.

Every guy Lea dated since high school, Virginia never approved of any of them even before meeting them. She always told her daughter that no man would ever want her. Whatever choice Lea made in her life - good or bad - her mother would always criticize her for it. Lea would always try to make her mother proud, but it was a goal she could never achieve. All Virginia would ever tell Lea was that she was a pathetic flake who can't do anything right and that she was going to end up alone.

Part of this was the reason why Lea could never keep a job or a boyfriend in the past. Virginia's toxicity is one of the causes for Lea's low self-esteem issues.

Shaun heard the door open, revealing Donnie with Nell. "Are you okay?"

"No," breathed Shaun, staring at the wall. "I don't want your mother here."

"I know," sighed Donnie, setting Nell, who had finally calmed down, into her bassinet before taking a seat next to Shaun on the edge of the bed. "I'm so sorry for what she said. She's pretty much a horrible person to everyone. It's why she and Dad got divorced. Our dad wasn't that bad, but he wasn't really involved with us that much. Grandpa Rod and Grandma Ellie were pretty much the only people we felt like we could talk to and turn to for support."

"My parents didn't love me," shared Shaun, letting his tears fall. "My father always drank too much beer. He was abusive towards me, and he always said it was my fault. He told me he wished I hadn't been born and that I wasn't worth the trouble. When I was 14, he killed my rabbit, and then my younger brother Steve and I ran away and lived in a bus. Steve died and then after that, I didn't have to live with my parents anymore. I didn't talk to them again until two years ago when my father was dying of pancreatic cancer. He told me on his death bed that Steve's death was my fault. Lea came to Wyoming with me to support me at that moment. I asked her to come with me."

"Oh, my god," Donnie gasped. "I'm so sorry, Shaun."

"Steve was my best friend," continued Shaun. "He was my only friend as the other kids at school would always bully me. After he and my pet died, that was when I decided to become a surgeon. I wanted to save people's lives. I wanted other people to live, which my rabbit and brother didn't have a chance to do. But I couldn't save Lea. I should have taken her to the hospital as soon as she started complaining of headaches."

"It's not your fault, Shaun," reassured Donnie. "I also have some regrets, too. The last time Lulu and I ever talked, we had a big fight after we tanked our grandfather's auto shop. We tried to keep it running, but we had a lot of disagreements over a lot of things, which put a strain on our relationship. After that, we just stopped talking. I wish I at least called Lulu to apologize."

"I know, she told me," said Shaun. "Lea was my best friend, and I was hers. She taught me to drive and she taught me how to live. She was the first person to actually fully accept my autism. To her, I was the only person who never judged her. She liked me for my brutal honesty. We made each other more. My mentor, Dr. Glassman, who is also her boss, didn't like her that much because of her spontaneity. He likes her now, but it took a long time for him to approve her."

"Shaun, I just want you to know that I definitely approve of you as both a father to my niece and as a boyfriend to my sister," heartened Donnie. "You seem like a good man for her, and not only am I glad that Lulu had you to turn to after what happened in Hershey, but I'm also I'm glad to know that she had a friend like you when she died. Lulu always had trouble making friends and I'm glad she didn't die alone. I'm glad she had someone who cared about her. That was always Lulu's biggest fear: being alone."

"Mine, too. Our lives were better with each other in them," added Shaun. "I'm sad that I lost Lea, but I'm grateful that I still have my daughter, which is a part of her." He reached his hand out towards Nell's bassinet to stroke her cheek.

"I should probably get back to my motel room," sighed Donnie, getting up from the bed.

"Thank you, Donnie," praised Shaun. "I'm glad we had this talk."

"Me, too," he sniffed, clapping Shaun on the back and handing him a piece of paper with his number on it, before walking out of the room and then out of the apartment. "You're a great man, Shaun. If there is anything you want me to do to help, just call me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it is confirmed that Lea's mother is the absolute worst. And, did anyone notice how Lea's family often calls her by her nickname (Lulu), but Shaun never does? It's supposed to symbolize the estrangement she had from her family.


	7. Breaking Point

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week after Lea's death, Shaun finally snaps and realizes that he needs help. He also remembers when Lea reached a breaking point of her own early on in her pregnancy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part of this chapter does contain things from Lea's POV in the flashbacks because I did want to really show how the pregnancy impacted her, especially morning sickness. Also, I just realized that I forgot about Aoki because she hasn't made an appearance since the Season 3 premiere. It also contains mostly flashbacks. Again, a reminder. I will accept any feedback.

_Morning sickness didn’t hit Lea until a week after she found out she was pregnant, which was when she was six weeks along. Drained and exhausted, this past week had been her vs. her digestive system. She was convinced that her own body hated her and secretly wanted her to die. She would often find herself crouched next to the toilet, feeling like she would never stop throwing up._

_She particularly abhorred the metallic taste in her mouth, tasting like she had been sucking pennies and nickels in her sleep. Besides nausea and vomiting, she was also moody, fatigued, feeling faint, constipated, spotting, and dealing with headaches, sore breasts, and darkened areolas. But she tried to go with the flow and look on the bright side._

_"Just think of the little bundle of joy you and Shaun will be holding in your arms," she said to herself. "They say it's all going to be worth it."_

_Besides peanut butter with everything, à la mode on ice cream and pancakes or dipping for chips and other snacks, most of Lea's pregnancy cravings so far weren't that strange. Funny thing, some of her pregnancy food aversions were the exact same aversions that Shaun always had such as pickles and coffee._

_Lea came to the conclusion that the baby was already almost just like their father. And speaking of Shaun, he hated seeing his girlfriend like this. He wished he could make her morning sickness disappear with a magic wand._

_Lea was feeling like crap this morning, so she called in sick. She didn't have the strength to get out of bed until 11:00 am. She felt so nauseous all day that she ended up throwing up in the bathroom and then lying in bed for the rest of the day, desperately hoping it would stop for more than one hour._

_She continued to spew chunks until there was nothing left to throw up, but her stupid body decided to keep on trying anyway. Her throat was sore from the dry-heaving._

_She couldn’t even eat the nice breakfast Shaun fixed for her before he left for his shift. She was in tears by the time he came home from work._

_“How can I survive seven more months of this?” Lea moaned to Shaun as he walked through the door and closed it behind him._

_Shaun sat down right next to Lea and placed his hand on her still-flat belly. He wasn’t precisely sure how he should answer that question, so he just stayed silent for a while, thinking he should probably just comfort her._

_“Would it make you feel better if I rubbed your back?” He offered nervously, hoping he said the right thing._

_“I would appreciate that, thank you,” Lea replied sweetly before turning over, wanting to enjoy the time she had left to be able to lie on her stomach. “Anyway, that was a rhetorical question.”_

_“Is the morning sickness intolerable? Is it too much for you?” Shaun asked sympathetically as he ran his hands along Lea's back._

_“It sucks,” Lea sighed in defeat. “No matter how many times I brush my teeth, I can’t get rid of the taste of puke. So, I don’t think you’ll want to kiss me.”_

_Shaun continued to massage Lea’s back for a couple of minutes before he offered her some solutions._

_“You might want some extra new toothbrushes because your current toothbrush is now probably tainted by the taste and smell of vomit from you frequently using it, which is probably why you can't get rid of the taste of puke no matter how many times you brush your teeth," explained Shaun. "I bought saltines, herbal tea, and peppermints on my way home. A few studies and a lot of personal anecdotes have shown that they can be helpful remedies for morning sickness.”_

_“Thank you,” sniffled Lea with grace and gratitude. “I just don’t know how I’m going to get through this hell.”_

_“You can also avoid taking your prenatal vitamins on an empty stomach, eat slowly in small amounts every two hours, eat low-fat foods, and drink plenty of fluids,” Shaun suggested, trying to be helpful._

_“Okay, I’m having issues with my prenatal vitamins,” Lea grumbled in defeat, turning around to face Shaun. “Those pills the doctor gave me are too damn big for me to swallow, especially when I’m already feeling queasy. I don’t know how I’m going to provide nutrients for our baby when I can’t even swallow a damn pill?”_

_“We can switch to chewable gummies instead. They're a much better alternative, so I also picked those up,” informed Shaun. "They also contain folic acid, so you won't have to take a separate folic acid supplement."_

_“Thank you, Shaunie,” Lea muttered softly, enjoying the soothing back rub from her boyfriend._

* * *

_Shaun woke up around 1:00 am to the sound and sight of Lea getting out of bed and racing out of their room to the bathroom. This was going to be their routine for a while._

_He got up out of bed and then walked to the bathroom to meet with Lea, who was down to her knees on the floor, leaning her head against the toilet seat._

_He grabbed a hair tie from her hair accessory organizer that was sitting on the bathroom sink and then gently tied her hair into a ponytail before he crouched down behind her, embracing her in his arms._

_Lea continued to vomit as Shaun ran his fingers through her tangled hair and traced gentle circles around her back._

_He didn’t say a word, but Lea didn’t care; the physical comfort was all she wanted and needed right now._

* * *

It has officially been a week and one day since Lea died. Her funeral took place yesterday, and her body was being transferred back to her hometown of Hershey. She was going to be buried with her father and paternal grandparents, one of whom Nell is named after. 

Donnie, Virginia, Dr. Glassman, Debbie, Claire with her boyfriend, Morgan, Dr. Park with Mia and Kellan, Dr. Lim, Dr. Andrews with Isabel, Aoki, Carly with her fiancé, Dr. Garcia, some of Lea's other distant relatives, and even a few St. Bonaventure employees that barely even talked to Lea all attended her funeral. Shaun, on the other hand, did not want to attend her funeral. His colleagues and superiors endeavored to help him with things, but he continued to decline and claim he could handle everything on his own.

There were so many reasons he wasn't in the mood: the funeral was held at 9:00 in the morning and that didn't feel like a good time when he was sleep-deprived, he had a newborn at home he needed to take care of, he didn't want to have to make small talk with any of Lea's relatives, he couldn't tolerate putting up with Lea's mother, he didn't want to deal with a disruptive baby during the whole thing, he didn't have the energy to write a poetic eulogy, he couldn't bear to look at Lea's corpse again, he didn't want to be scrutinized by Lea's relatives for not "grieving properly", and he wasn't in the mood for a bunch of hugs and handshakes. Most of all, he just couldn't handle it. He remembered how hard it was to survive the funerals of Steve and Dr. Melendez, so he didn't know if he would be able to survive Lea's. Sitting through the whole thing was going to be too painful for him and writing her obituary was hard enough.

When Shaun made up his mind that he didn't want to attend, Dr. Glassman and everyone else who knew him well were completely understanding and supportive of his choice. Donnie was understanding as well, telling him that everyone deserves to grieve in their own way without judgment. However, Shaun was pretty convinced that Virginia and some of Lea's other relatives who flew in from Pennsylvania were going to perceive him as a heartless robot because of it.

Right now, while a seven-week-old Nell was sound asleep in Shaun's room, Shaun found himself staring melancholically at Lea's signed baseball in its glass box perched on the dining room table as he tightly clutched Steve's plastic scalpel with both of his hands. Those two objects - the scalpel and the baseball - were given to him by deceased loved ones who always had his back no matter what, loved ones who knew him better than anyone else.

Despite Donnie's reminder (and everyone else's) that Lea's death wasn't his fault in any way, Shaun couldn't help but still remember Virginia's hateful words towards him, reminding him of his father's vile last words to him. He couldn't help but feel angry at the universe for Lea's death and kind of angry with himself for not noticing her symptoms sooner.

Shaun didn't want her to be buried six feet under in Hershey, he didn't want her to go to Heaven, he didn't want her to go to Hell, and he didn't want her to be reincarnated. He wanted her to be here; right here, alive and breathing, raising their daughter alongside him. He wanted Lea to be there to see Nell crawl and take her first steps, to hear her first word, to drop her off and pick her up on her first day of school, to see her graduate high school, and to watch her grow up; but that wasn't happening.

"It's not fair!" He cried, slapping the sides of his head and roaring at the ceiling as if he was yelling at God. "Why did Lea have to be one of the rare statistics? Why did one seizure have to kill her? Why couldn't she be saved? Why did this have to happen at all?"

In intense anger and distress, Shaun picked up Lea's signed baseball and then threw it across the room, the glass box loudly shattering into numerous pieces as it hit the wall and floor. The baseball was out like a genie out of a bottle.

For a few more seconds, he then continued to destroy other things in his surroundings as if he was in a rage room.

He instantly regretted it once he heard Nell crying, woken up by all of the commotion. He was glad she didn't see it though because Shaun would never want to her to see him like this. Destroying things in anger was not like him.

He then assessed the damage he had done. It wasn't too bad, but he was still ashamed. There were a few broken plates and cups, all of them had belonged to Lea before she moved in. Her favorite rearview painting of an aardvark had been knocked off the shelf. The surfboard had fallen over and the decorative stars had been ripped from the wall. Some of his medical journals were lying limply on the floor. However, most of his attention was on the damage he had done to Lea's parting gift to him, the thing she gave him to remember her by before she left for Hershey to fulfill her dream. He couldn't imagine how Lea would react to this.

 _What have I done? What am I doing?_ He thought to himself, pressing his hands against the sides of his head before collapsing to the floor and sobbing.

As Nell was still crying, Shaun picked up his phone and then dispatched an urgent text to Dr. Glassman.

**SHAUN: I need you right now, please!**

* * *

_At seven weeks pregnant, Lea was sweating profusely in the Silicon Valley heat. She was nowhere near showing yet, but she was bloating and definitely putting on some weight, and her pants were starting to feel tight. She wasn’t big enough for maternity clothes at this point, but there was going to be a time shortly when she would need to start shopping for some._

_While getting ready for work in the bathroom, she examined herself in the mirror only to notice that she was breaking out. Lea didn’t fathom what people meant when a pregnant woman was glowing, because she didn’t think she was glowing at all. Instead, her skin was oily, dry, and covered in acne._

_"This whole 'glow' is a lie created by Hollywood special effects," she said to herself, sighing in sadness and irritation as she eyed her reflection._

_Suddenly, her nausea struck again, and she was enduring another date with her new friend, the toilet._

_Lea broke down as she allowed herself to vomit, unfortunately managing to get a tiny bit of it in her hair as her strands flew in front of her face. She wondered when her morning sickness will ever stop, which was why she was looking forward to her second trimester._

_She abruptly heard the door open behind her._

_It was Shaun, who walked in to check on her. He sat down with his girlfriend and pulled back her dark brown hair, which was starting to get longer and thicker and had a bit of vomit on it. He massaged her shoulders and rubbed her back. He hated the fact that she had to go through this._

_“How are you feeling?” Shaun prodded, clearly concerned, and trying to show Lea he cared…before realizing that he might have just asked a stupid question._

_“Seriously, Shaun!” Lea snapped, whipping her body around to where she was face to face with him. “Does it look like I’m frolicking around barefoot in some random landscape with a glowing face and clear skin in a hideous maxi-dress, showing off my perfectly round stretchmark-free belly and dancing around like pregnancy is so damn glorious like those pregnant women on magazine covers? No, I’m not! I’m not glowing! I’m a fat, sweaty, hideous, and disgusting mess! My boobs itch, and they are so big that I can barely fit into my bra! I have morning sickness that lasts all day and I just got puke on my hair!”_

_Startled by Lea raising her voice at him, Shaun scooted away slowly from her, avoiding eye contact with her._

_Lea immediately could tell that her yelling frightened Shaun into a near shutdown. She has already known since they moved in together that Shaun couldn’t handle being shrieked at that well._

_However, no matter how sensitive and patient they were with each other, they both knew that an incident like this was obviously bound to happen at some point due to her pregnancy hormones._

_“I’m sorry, Shaun!” Lea sobbed as she rested her head and arms against the toilet seat. “I’m sorry that I yelled. Can you just continue rubbing my shoulders?”_

_“Okay,” uttered Shaun nervously as he scooted towards Lea, satisfying her request. “I’m sorry I asked a stupid question.”_

_“Hey, I’m not mad at you,” reassured Lea, her voice muffled. “It’s just that…it's been less than eight weeks, and I already hate being pregnant. This sucks!”_

_Shaun didn’t say anything. He just hugged his girlfriend and put her hair into a ponytail. He didn’t like being yelled at, but he knew that he should expect a few outbursts from her for the next seven months._

_“Anyway, I’m calling bullshit on the pregnancy glow. It’s all a lie. And why is it called 'morning sickness'? It happens all day,” Lea groaned, rolling her eyes. “I just can’t wait for it to be over.”_

_“Whoever coined the term was lazy,” commented Shaun. “It’s called ‘morning sickness’ because it is most likely to occur in the day, which still doesn’t make sense because it isn't limited to 12:00 am to 11:59 am. And even if they chose 'day sickness', it would make it sound like something that only occurred from 9:00 to 5:00.”_

_Shaun's humorous criticism was able to make Lea laugh for a little bit._

_“I know, right?” Lea tittered. “I think something like ‘prenatal sickness’ would have been a much better…" She was cut off by another wave of nausea and then vomited again._

_“Only a month left of this,” soothed Shaun as he continued to rub Lea’s back._

* * *

Shaun opened the door for Dr. Glassman as soon as he heard him knock.

"Shaun, are you okay?" He asked worriedly, concerned for Shaun and Nell as he saw Shaun frantically pacing around the apartment and noticed the minor destruction in the room and heard disembodied wailing. Shaun had definitely reached his breaking point. "Where is Nell? Is she okay?"

"She's fine, she's in my room," the young man hyperventilated, roughly tousling his hair. "Except for the crying."

"What happened, Shaun? What is going on?"

"I didn't hurt Nell, I didn't hurt her," explained Shaun defensively, speaking like he was pleading for mercy. "I got angry, but I didn't yell at her. I didn't say anything mean to her. I wasn't angry at her. She was in a separate room when I did all of this. The noise just scared her. That's why she is crying."

Dr. Glassman ran into Shaun's room to retrieve Nell from her bassinet. He needed to make sure she was okay first, and by 'okay', he meant checking if she needed to be changed, fed, burped, or cuddled because he wasn't sure how long she had been crying for someone to come and pick her up. Plus, Shaun would never physically hurt his daughter...or anyone.

Nell seemed to be just fine.

"Shh, it's okay," he reassured the little girl as he rocked her. "It's alright, your daddy is just a little upset right now. He'll be okay, I just need to help him calm down."

* * *

After Nell stopped crying and the destruction was cleaned up, Shaun and Dr. Glassman sat opposite from each other on the couch. Nell was lounging calmly in her baby swing.

Dr. Glassman was hugging Shaun, who was holding his toy scalpel, tightly in his arms like he was comforting his own child. Tears were streaming down the young doctor's face as he welcomed his mentor's comforting embrace.

They were quiet for a while before Dr. Glassman finally broke the silence.

"Shaun, it's okay," he soothed, sort of understanding the grief he was going through. "Don't hold yourself responsible for Lea's death. Yes, you're _a_ doctor, but you're not _her_ doctor and you weren't on duty. It isn't your responsibility to constantly monitor her blood pressure or keep track of all her symptoms. She wasn't your patient, she was your family. So her mother shouldn't be making you feel like you committed medical negligence, but she was probably just caught up in the moment."

"No, it's not okay," sniffed Shaun, breaking out from Dr. Glassman's arms. "I don't think I can do this without Lea. And Virginia will always hate me."

"Shaun," Dr. Glassman continued to speak calmly with patience. "I know this is hard, but you can do this without her and you will get through this. You won't be doing this alone. You have me and Debbie to help you, right? And you also have Claire and Dr. Lim and others. They've all been asking me how you were doing. And I'm sorry that Lea's mother wasn't very nice to you."

"But Lea didn't deserve to have her life cut short. I'm not supposed to be doing this without her," lamented Shaun before delivering a confession. "We were supposed to get married later this year or maybe next year. I was going to ask her to marry me in September, on her 30th birthday. I was planning this since the day Nell was born. My life was going perfect."

"I'm so sorry," Dr. Glassman's mouth dropped open with surprise, feeling even sadder for Shaun. He had a child with the woman he loved, but he never got to marry her and he was going to experience the joy of being a parent without her. But he felt more sorrow for Lea. She had her whole life ahead of her and it got curtailed by one seizure caused by a condition that could have been easily managed if it was caught earlier. She didn't even know she had a fiancé in waiting. "You're right, it isn't fair."

"I also had a nightmare last night," admitted Shaun, laying himself down on the couch. "I'm having them again."

Hearing that broke Dr. Glassman's heart for Shaun. After moving in with him following Steve's death, he often had these nightmares and night terrors. He would wake up in the middle of the night screaming. Although he had managed them, they were still terrible. And now, he was probably relapsing. He hasn't seen Shaun this broken since Steve died.

"How long? Has it been since Lea died?"

Shaun slowly nodded his head to the side. "I've had them since Lea was pregnant. They'd be about Steve, my father, Lea, our baby, and sometimes Dr. Melendez. Last night, I had the same dream I had two months ago."

"Do you want to talk about it?" Dr. Glassman asked him.

"Lea and I are on a road trip. We weren't going anywhere, we were just driving," began Shaun, reciting the nightmare in his head as he rubbed the blade of his scalpel. "She's in the passenger seat and I'm the one who is driving. And she's pregnant."

Shaun paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Then, she says the baby is coming and that she can feel the head coming out. We're in the middle of nowhere. I slam on the accelerator and drive to the hospital. But it makes no sense why I did that because if this was real life, I would have pulled over to the side and delivered the baby myself if she said that. Anyway, I'm rushing her to the hospital. She yells at me to watch out, and we get hit by a truck and everything goes black."

"That's terrifying," sighed Glassman, his heart breaking for Shaun. "Is that when you wake up?"

"No, not this time. Worse was added to it," replied Shaun quietly, tears welling in his eyes. "It only gets worse. I wake up in the hooptie, which is flipped upside down after tumbling off a cliff and Lea isn't there. She was probably ejected. The only thing in the passenger seat is a bunch of blood. I hear a little girl crying for her daddy, and I crawl out of the hooptie to look for her, and I already see her. She has blue eyes and curly brown hair and is probably around six-years-old. I walk up to her while she walks towards me, she keeps crying for her daddy. When we get closer and then she sees me, she stops crying for a while and then says 'daddy', looking at me. I'm confused. I don't know what she is doing. I want to help her, but then a bus comes out of nowhere and runs her over, killing her instantly. I run towards her lifeless body and pick her up, but then she comes back to life and starts choking me, staring at me with her bloody face. She is yelling, 'Daddy, look at what you did to me! You did this! You didn't pull me away from that bus! You just stood there and watched! You killed me, just like you killed Mommy and Uncle Steve!' That is when I wake up."

"Oh, my god!" Dr. Glassman gasped, feeling sick to his stomach at that whole thing. He remembers having similar nightmares about Maddie not long after she died...he even had them before that. They were subconscious reminders of every parent's greatest fear: losing their child.

"But it was just a dream, Nell is still here with me. And she is still a baby," breathed Shaun as he burst into tears, rocking back and forth, letting Dr. Glassman hug him again.

"It's alright, Shaun," the older man comforted. "I get it, the thought of losing your child is horrible. I've had dreams like that, too. Every parent does. But, everything is going to be okay."

"Not really," sighed Shaun. "I broke the glass box of Lea's signed baseball. Now it doesn't have a special place. Lea wouldn't be happy with me."

"We'll find a way to fix it, Shaun. We can find another thing to frame it," insinuated Dr. Glassman. "I'm sure Lea would forgive you. Also, you could put it up in Nell's room. You know, so she'll always have a piece of her mom with her."

"I like that idea very much," Shaun wiped his tears as Dr. Glassman gently patted his back. "But, I'm scared that I'm going to lose Nell, too. She could get hit by a car. Or she could get cancer or another terminal illness. Or she'll grow up to hate me and never want to speak to me again. And then I'll be alone again."

"Stop it!" Dr. Glassman said sternly and quiet enough not to wake up Nell, aware of Shaun's fear of ending up alone. Although he still had him and Debbie, Nell was all that Shaun got. "Don't even think about that right now. Alright? Just cherish every moment you have with her, and she's going to need you. That's what Lea would want, right?"

"Yes," sighed Shaun as he hugged Dr. Glassman tightly again. "She would also want me to talk to a therapist. We went to therapy when we started dating. It did help. Lea said that constantly living in fear isn't good for my mental health, and if I'm not happy, then Nell won't be happy."

"I think that's a good idea, Shaun," praised Dr. Glassman, holding Shaun in a tight embrace. "I'm proud of you. Everything is going to be alright, I promise. This is just part of the grieving process."

* * *

_Not only was Lea four months and 16 weeks pregnant, but also still dealing with morning sickness, extreme morning sickness to be exact._

_She anticipated to feel a little better in her second trimester, but so far, she still felt the exact same way she felt in her first trimester. She expected her morning sickness to subside, but instead, it got worse._

_Her nausea and vomiting were chronic and unbearable. It would strike up anytime at any place. She could barely keep her food down._

_She tried everything Dr. Garcia, Shaun, Dr. Glassman, Debbie, and the internet recommended to remedy her morning sickness, but neither of the tricks seemed to help. Munching on potato chips, drinking lots of water, chewing on fennel seeds, mixing lemon juice with water, eating crackers, eating foods containing vitamin B6, ginger, drinking herbal tea, not taking her prenatal vitamins on an empty stomach…nothing._

_This was actually worrying Shaun a lot. “We should go to the doctor,” he would recommend every time she vented to him about it. “I’m concerned you might have hyperemesis gravidarum - a pregnancy complication caused by severe nausea, vomiting, weight loss, and possible dehydration.”_

_Nevertheless, she would brush it off and be stubborn every time he proposed she go see the doctor._

_Deep down, she knew that she definitely should. Shaun was a doctor, so he was right that this much morning sickness wasn’t healthy._

_“You should stay home from work today,” advised Shaun as he and Lea were getting ready to leave for work._

_“Shaun, I’ll be fine,” Lea rolled her eyes at her boyfriend as she took a sip from her herbal tea._

_“You stepped on the scale this morning. Approximately how much weight have you gained?” Shaun asked, looking serious and wanting a serious answer. “Tell me the truth.”_

_Lea hesitated before sighing in defeat. “I actually think I lost some weight instead of gained some. The result on the scale was lower than what Dr. Garcia recorded at our last appointment.”_

_“What color is your urine?” Shaun continued to bombard her with questions, trying to convince her that she needed to see a doctor._

_“It’s like…amber, I think,” replied Lea, sighing. “Or maybe it was burnt orange. I don’t remember. That means I’m dehydrated, right?”_

_“Yes,” confirmed Shaun. “You need to stay home today.”_

_“No!” Lea protested. “I’ll be fine, Shaun. I’m way behind on a lot of things, and I need to get them done now.”_

_“Okay,” Shaun gave in, but that didn’t stop him from reminding her to take care of herself. “But…I’m making a doctor’s appointment for you tomorrow morning.”_

_“Okay, fine,” Lea surrendered, knowing that Shaun was right. She was probably close to the tipping point._

_“Drink lots of fluids and ask someone to help you to the ER if you feel lightheaded,” he ordered, a stern and scared look encircling his face as they made steps towards the door. “Please. That’s an order.”_

_“Yes, doctor,” chuckled Lea lightly, rolling her eyes._

* * *

_ As Lea sat at her desk, Dr. Glassman standing next to her as he was presenting her with the assigned tasks for the day, she tried her very best not to barf even though she felt like she could blow chunks at any minute. She regretted her decision to come to work today. _

_ She developed a headache an hour or two ago, making it difficult for her to retain any of the information Dr. Glassman was transferring her.  _

_ Dr. Glassman could definitely tell that she was out of it. _

_ "Maybe you should go home, get some rest, and call it a day. I can get it done myself," he suggested, worried for his pregnant assistant and hoping he wasn't overloading her with too much work. "Or should I walk you to the ER?" _

_ "Yes, I..." Lea was cut off when a whiff of Glassy's leftover lunch triggered her nausea. She discretely tried to hold back her gagging, but it was obviously catching Dr. Glassman's attention. _

_ “Are you okay?” She heard him ask as he reached to grab the wastebasket for her. _

_ As Lea felt a surge of vomit rising in her throat, she immediately sprung from her seat, sprinting for the nearest restroom even though Dr. Glassman had offered her the wastebasket. However, just as expected, she didn’t make it to the restroom in time, and she ended up vomiting straight onto the floor. _

_ Feeling completely humiliated, she started sobbing. _

_ Not long after, she started to feel dizzy, lightheaded, and disoriented before she lost her balance and everything went black. _

* * *

_ Shaun was having lunch with Claire when he received an urgent text from Dr. Glassman. _

**_ Dr. Glassman: I just had Lea admitted to the ER. You should come right now. Dr. Lim is taking care of her. _ **

_ “I have to go now, it’s urgent,” he blubbered to Claire, hastily springing from his chair and pushing it in. _

_ “Shaun, that doesn’t look like it was for our patient,” Claire said nervously, noticing the distressed expression on Shaun’s face. _

_ “Lea…is…now...a patient here,” Shaun bit out slowly. “I need to meet Dr. Glassman at the ER!” _

_ “Do you want me to come with you?” Claire offered. _

_ Shaun nodded and accepted his friend's kind offer. Seconds later, the pair were sprinting as fast as they could towards the ER. _

_ Shaun aggressively ruffled his hair and hoped that Lea and their unborn child were okay. _

_ He feared he would soon get a call like this considering Lea’s current status on her morning sickness. He was sure she had hyperemesis gravidarum, but she was too stubborn and thought she could manage it on her own no matter how much he tried to convince her to go to the doctor. _

* * *

_ Lea felt a pounding in her head and an extremely dry mouth as she opened her eyes. It took a while for her to realize that she was lying on a bed in the ER. She could see the blurry figures of Shaun, Dr. Glassman, Claire, and Dr. Lim. _

_ She wondered why she was here, but then she remembered. She got sick and passed out. _

_ “Are you awake?” Dr. Lim asked very loudly, leaning her face closer towards hers. _

_ “Yeah?” Lea rasped, still feeling groggy. _

_ “How are you feeling? Do you remember what happened?" Dr. Lim interrogated. _

_ “A little dizzy and nauseous…also embarrassed,” Lea croaked before she recited everything she could remember. “I was at sitting at my desk and I got queasy. Then I got up to go to the bathroom and then threw up on the floor. That was when I passed out. Shaun was right, I should have stayed home today.” _

_ “We’re going to take care of you, and we think you might have hyperemesis gravidarum, which in simple terms is severe morning sickness. From what Shaun told me, you’re pretty dehydrated,” Dr. Lim explained. “We’re going to run some tests and start administering fluids through an IV…” _

_ “…in order to get your hydration, electrolytes, vitamins, and nutrients restored,” finished Shaun. _

_ “Is the baby okay?” Lea queried, staring at the ceiling. Her slow voice was full of impending devastation. _

_ “There are so far no signs of pregnancy loss, but we’ll perform an ultrasound just to be sure,” reassured Dr. Lim. “Since you hit your head when you fell, we’ll also need to look for any concussions or head injuries of any kind. We’re going to need to admit you for observation.” _

_ “That means you’ll need to stay overnight,” conceded Shaun. _

* * *

_ Once Lea had been cleared of any concussion or head injury, she was moved into a room. Shaun and Dr. Glassman stayed with her by her side. When more tests were performed, it was officially confirmed that Lea had hyperemesis gravidarum. An ultrasound was also performed, confirming that the fetus was stable. _

_ “So, what's going to happen to me?” She asked, relieved but still terrified. _

_ “You have to stay here overnight,” replied Dr. Garcia. “You need to take it easy for a few days because you’re going to be on bed rest for a few days. You also need to drink a lot of water and stay hydrated.” _

_ “Again, the baby is okay, right?” Lea made sure Shaun or Dr. Garcia weren’t hiding something. Then she remembered that Shaun would never do that. He was the most honest guy she knew. _

_ “Yes, our baby is fine, and so are you. All you need now is rest,” Shaun smiled, softly patting Lea’s shoulder with one hand while reaching out to touch her belly with the other. _

_ “I know how frustrating this condition can be, but unfortunately, this will last throughout your entire pregnancy,” Dr. Garcia spelled out somberly. _

_ “And what about the baby?” Lea inquired as she placed her hand over her belly. “Please don’t lie to me.” _

_ “I’m not going to sugarcoat it, but there are risks - low fetal birth weight, preterm labor, delayed development,” Dr. Garcia made it clear as she listed every possible risk. “But that’s for severe cases, ones that largely go untreated. Right now, you’re not one of them. But if you continued to ignore this, you would have been.” _

_ “But, something can still be done to help me carry to term, right? Or at least to where the baby would be viable?” Lea pleaded, realizing the danger she had put herself and her baby in for not seeking help. _

_ “Yes,” Shaun replied with reassurance. “Our baby has a high chance of surviving. And…your vitals are stable, which is good.” _

* * *

After Shaun had finally calmed down and Dr. Glassman left, Shaun was now holding Nell in his arms, pacing around the apartment with her as she was nestled in the safety of his arms.

"I'm sorry, peanut," he whispered in sobs, calling her the nickname he had given to her while she was still in the womb. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry I scared you. Daddy's okay. Please don't leave me, ever."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I said it. Carly is also engaged to her new man :)


	8. Honor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Claire pays Shaun a visit and he also thinks back to when he and Lea were discussing baby names.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took a while to update. This is the chapter where you will learn how Nell got her name. And I promise that this chapter will definitely warm your heart. Also, don't be afraid to review and give me feedback :)

Four weeks had passed since Lea died and Shaun was taking Nell for a stroll through the nearby park. It was a beautiful late summer day to be here. People were walking, jogging, walking their dogs, and riding their bikes. Families and friends were playing tennis, soccer, and basketball. Some people were having lunch at the picnic tables and having conversations on the bench. Children were climbing onto the playground structures, swinging and spinning on the swings, sliding down the slides, escalading the jungle gyms, getting messy in the sandbox, and spinning around on the merry-go-round. Other parents were taking walks with their children; pushing them in strollers, holding their hands, helping them ride their training-wheel bikes, or just letting them walk alongside them.

Claire was tagging along with them. She really missed seeing Shaun at work and she also wanted to check on him and make sure he was still doing well. Of course, she also wanted to see the little cutie of his. Babies and their babbling chitter-chatter were something Claire could never resist, especially Shaun's baby.

And speaking of Nell, the two-month-old baby was starting to not only recognize her own hands, but also chowing down on them and reaching things with them. She would grab any strand of hair she could from anyone who held her. Whenever Shaun would place her on her stomach, she would lift her head and shoulders a little bit.

Adjustment to and management of being a single father wasn't easy at first, but Shaun was beginning to adapt and was now getting in the hang of caring for a baby alone. However, since he started visiting a therapist again, he was now accepting help from Dr. Glassman, Debbie, and his friends and colleagues.

Last week, Shaun had found something new to frame Lea's signed baseball, which now rested atop the wall shelf in Nell's nursery. Right next to it were two framed photos.

One of them was a school portrait of Steve that had been taken back in September of 2005, exactly one year before his death. The 11-year-old boy's hair was perfectly combed and he was wearing a yellow plaid shirt, staring into the camera with a fake innocent smile that the photographer told him to give. Shaun got it from his special keepsake box, where he kept a few photos and belongings of Steve's that he still had with him.

The other one was a picture of Lea that Shaun had taken of her two months before Nell was born. At seven months pregnant, she was posing on their porch in an ivory ribbed striped maternity dress and grey flats. She was cradling her round belly and smiling, excited at the fact that she was going to be a mother in a couple of months.

It was almost as if Lea and Steve were watching over their daughter and niece.

"I'm glad that things are starting to get better for you, Shaun. I can't wait for you to come back to work," Claire said as she did her daily lunges alongside Shaun, who was pushing Nell in her stroller. "We've all really missed having you around."

Shaun and Claire had so much in common when it came to the sorrows and hardships of life, which was why they were very close friends. They both dealt with unloving parents and were bullied outcasts in school. They also experienced things such as homelessness or poverty. Now, they had a brand new thing in common: they lost someone they loved. In fact, they grew even closer since Dr. Melendez died. The only difference was that Claire finally fell in love again after losing someone she loved and life was already going well for her the way she wanted it to be.

"How have things been going with you and Dash?" Shaun asked curiously. She had been going out with her deceased college friend's widower for a while. "Are you two still seeing each other?"

"Yes, everything is going great with me and Dash," Claire concurred happily, panting from the effort she was putting into exercising. "Neither Lim or I will ever recover from Dr. Melendez, but we can still move forward and find love again. In fact, Dash and I are actually moving in together next week."

"That's nice. I'm happy for you," congratulated Shaun, staring at Nell, who was gripping tightly to her white kitten security blanket.

"Did you know that Kellan is going to UC at San Jose on a full scholarship in a few weeks?" Claire brought up.

"Yes," replied Shaun. "We both know that Dr. Park has been bragging about it since January."

"You know, Dr. Andrews and his wife are going to have a baby; it's going to be through surrogacy. Dr. Lim is thinking about adopting a child. Also, Carly is pregnant. I think she said she was three months and that she's due in February next year," continued Claire, sharing all of everyone's wonderful news with Shaun.

"That's great," he gloated, stopping to take a seat on the bench with Claire following his lead. He was happy for Dr. Andrews, Dr. Lim, and Carly. "Everyone deserves to be happy after everything that's happened, especially you, Claire. You deserve to be happy after you lost Dr. Melendez. You have been through too much."

Claire gave Shaun a sweet smile before she looked at Nell and cooed at her, wiggling her fingers in front of her face like a spider. "She's such a cutie. I think Dr. Melendez would be very honored to know that she is sort of named after him, Shaun."

"I know," he smiled back at her, reaching his hand out into Nell's stroller, allowing her to pull on his index finger.

Although Nell was actually named after Lea's grandmother, her usual alias was actually after Dr. Melendez. "Nell" was the feminine form of "Neil".

* * *

_Once Lea reached the milestone of six months, she was definitely looking pregnant with a very obvious belly. She had been feeling very dizzy lately, which Shaun told her was because her blood pressure had dropped. Other than that, her back hurt as well._

_"Your blood can't move as fast as it used to, which is why you feel lightheaded when you stand up or after standing for a long period," he explained._

_Currently, Shaun and Lea were now sitting on the couch watching TV after they got home from work. Both of them were exhausted to the brink; Lea even more so due to her pregnancy._

_"Have you decided on a girl's name yet?" Shaun asked out of the blue, wondering if Lea had settled on anything yet._

_Lea turned off the TV and then set the remote on the coffee table for Shaun to place back on the tray on the table. She still forgot to do that sometimes._

_They already had a boy's name picked out, Steven Aaron Murphy, except they would call him "Stevie". When Shaun asked if he could name their baby that if they were a boy, she just couldn't say no to him. In fact, she was already okay with it in the first place as she knew how much his brother meant to him. She suspected that Shaun already had settled on that name even before she got pregnant, and she herself was already thinking of using Steven, Aaron, Rodney (after her grandfather), or even Neil as a middle name._

_Also, since Lea said that she wanted to keep her last name when she got married, Shaun assumed that she would probably want their children to have her last name as well. He didn't like hyphenated surnames, so he suggested that the baby would take his last name if they were a boy and Lea's last name if they were a girl, going against using "Dilallo-Murphy". However, Lea decided to go ahead and be traditional and let the baby take Shaun's last name since it was something she was so used to and was okay with it. She was already happy enough with keeping her last name to herself._

_Similarly, Shaun thought that since he already decided on the boy's name, he thought it would only be fair if Lea decided on the girl's name just as long as it didn't include Marcie (after his mother), Enid (after his maternal grandmother), Eugenia (after his paternal grandmother), Vivian (after his paternal aunt), Nora (after another paternal aunt), or Lucie (after his maternal aunt). Lea luckily didn't have any relatives she hated that were named Steven or Aaron. That was their compromise._

_Lea did have one name in mind._

_"I want to name her Eleanor after my Grandma Ellie," Lea replied shyly. "My dad actually wanted to name me that, but my mom wasn't on board with that, so he just took the second, third, and fourth letters from her name, and...that's how I got my name. It was Grandpa Rod who decided to call me 'Lulu'."_

_"So, you're technically named after your grandmother?" Shaun questioned._

_"Yes and no," giggled Lea. "No, because 'Eleanor' is not the name that is printed on my birth certificate or any other legal documents. It's just 'Lea Virginia Dilallo'."_

_Lea and Shaun both cringed when Lea voiced out her full name. They both couldn't help but loathe the middle names their parents had decided to give them. Lea's middle name was her judgemental mother's first name and Shaun shared the exact same middle name, Joseph, with his abusive father and his paternal grandfather._

_"Anyway, I like the idea of Eleanor very much," Shaun agreed in delight. "Does she have a middle name?"_

_"To be honest, I actually can't think of one," sighed Lea. "I like Faye, Victoria, Olive, Mae, Violet, Frances, Charlotte, Sophia, Phoebe, and Josephine. But I also like Clementine because I love clementines. What do you think?"_

_"I like Clementine, too," concurred Shaun. "I think Eleanor Clementine is perfect."_

_Lea played around with the name in her head, loving the sound of it. "So, I guess it's settled then. However, we cannot call her 'Ellie' and I want to give her a different alias."_

_Shaun and Lea later looked up different nicknames for Eleanor and made a list of suggestions. There was Annie, Ella, Elle, Ellen, Lana, Lanie, Lea, Lenore, Leo, Lily, Nell, Nellie, Nora, and Nori._

_"Okay, so I think we both obviously agree that Lea, Leo, Nora, and Nori are definitely out," decided Lea. "I've already claimed one of them as a name and we already agreed that we would never name our child 'Nora'."_

_"Yes," agreed Shaun. "Are Ellen and Lenore okay?"_

_"Oh, god no!" Lea cringed. She found those two names to be dull and also lazy as nicknames. "And I don't like Elle, Lana, or Lanie either. What about...um...Annie, Ella, or Lily?"_

_"Not really," shrugged Shaun, rubbing his hands together. "They're too boring."_

_"Okay then," sighed Lea. "So, I guess it's either Nell or Nellie...and I really despise 'Nellie'."_

_"Do you...not despise 'Nell'?" Shaun inquired, kind of liking the name. "I kind of like it. It's the feminized version of 'Neil', which was Dr. Melendez's first name."_

_Lea thought for a second. She and Shaun weren't fans of giving the masculine or feminine forms of names as alternatives as they did not want to name their daughter "Stephanie Erin" or "Lee" or "Shauna", but she was actually kind of liking the name Nell right now._

_"You know what, Shaun," she started up a smile. "I like it."_

_"Really?" Shaun's face lit up like a child's excited face on Christmas morning._

_"Yes, I really do," she said, scooting closer next to Shaun on the couch. "And think about it. She is named in honor of two people: my grandmother and Dr. Melendez."_

_"It is nice," bubbled Shaun happily, placing his hand over Lea's belly. "I think Dr. Melendez would definitely be honored."_

* * *

"Yes," Shaun agreed with Claire. "Dr. Melendez would be very honored to know that one of his residents named their kid after him. He would also want all of us to be happy, especially you and me. If Dash makes you happy, then you deserve to be happy with him."

"Thank you, Shaun," obliged Claire as she felt Shaun lightly elbow her. "Maybe you should come hang out with us sometime...if you want to. Three won't be a crowd."

"I would like that idea very much!"

Once Nell started to get tired, the two friends then got up from the bench and decided to get back to Shaun's apartment and call it a day.


	9. Fresh Start

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As Shaun returns to work and drops Nell off at daycare without Lea, he remembers a nostalgic moment he had with Lea not long before Nell was born.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I'm not good at coming up with the best titles for things. Anyway, I still do appreciate feedback, though :)

_After spending the entire day nesting, Lea relaxed in the cushioned ivory glider in the unoccupied nursery, dozing off as she rocked back and forth. She was uncomfortable and in pain, so she rested her feet on top of the ottoman and tried to distract herself by dreaming about her unborn child._

_At 37 weeks pregnant, she and Shaun definitely knew that their child could probably be born any day now at any second, so they made sure and double-checked that their home was prepared for the baby. That included stocking up on diapers, washing the baby clothes and crib sheets, and babyproofing the apartment. The nursery, which used to be her own personal bedroom when she and Shaun were just roommates and friends, had been decorated and all of the furniture was put together._

_The crib had a breathable yellow mesh (which were safer and more recommended than the thick crib bumpers their parents used) and green rail guards lined against the railings to protect the baby from injuries of entanglement and to prevent the baby from chewing on the crib. A tiny white blanket decorated with cute little hedgehogs was folded neatly on top of the mattress, which was covered with a crib sheet patterned with woodland animals: foxes, rabbits, squirrels, deers. Next to the blanket was the kitten security blanket that Shaun had picked out._

_The dresser and changing table had been out together as one thing. A thing of wipes and a green diaper caddy containing powder, diaper cream, shampoos, lotions, a brush, and comb, and a few diapers had been sitting atop the dresser next to the pinned down changing pad. Next to the piece of furniture was a diaper genie._

_The shelves were put together, and there was also one attached to the wall. The baby monitor, white noise machine, lamp, humidifier, and bins of toys and other things were placed on the shelves. There were also a couple of bins lying around in the room containing stuffed animals, hooded towels, cloths, sheets, and blankets. There was also a grey laundry hamper with an owl printed on it and the walls were painted a yellowish color._

_She winced as she felt her baby move. "Seriously, grasshopper," she sighed, clutching her abdomen. "Give it a rest. Why do you always dance around when Mommy is trying to relax?"_

_The baby seemed to settle down for a while, and Lea smiled down fondly at her round belly. It wasn't long before she fell asleep in the glider._

* * *

_Shaun came home that evening to find Lea asleep in the glider in the nursery. He thought the sight of his pregnant girlfriend sleeping at that moment in the nursery was sweet._

_He was about to wake her up, but then he remembered that she might snap at him for waking her up from a nice nap like she did last week. He tip-toed out of the nursery, but Lea eventually stirred and noticed his presence._

_"Shaunie? You're home already?" She yawned, stretching her arms._

_Shaun whirled around to see that she was awake and alert. "Yes, it's 7:30," he replied. "I told you that my shift was over at 6:35 today."_

_"Wow, it's already this late?" Lea observed the darker beautiful sunset sky outside through the window. "I guess my nap was a lot longer than I planned."_

_Shaun walked over towards her placed one hand on the swell of her belly, leaning in to kiss her lovingly. "How is the baby doing?"_

_Lea sighed with a giggle. "Shaun Joseph Murphy, your child won't stop moving around. They always seem to want to do it when I'm trying to rest."_

_Shaun skimmed his hand over her belly before kissing her again on the lips and smiling softly. "We need to eat dinner. I bought us Vietnamese take-out, just like you requested."_

_"I asked you to pick up Vietnamese?" Lea questioned, not sure if she remembered asking Shaun to pick up dinner at any point today._

_"Did you want something else?" Shaun asked, fearing that he did something wrong. "Do you not want Vietnamese food anymore?"_

_"No, it's not that," chuckled Lea. "I'm fine with Vietnamese. I just don't recall ever requesting you pick up dinner today, that's all."_

_"Okay," Shaun sighed in relief. "You did, though. You asked for pho, egg rolls, and fried rice."_

_It was probably pregnancy brain._

_With the help of Shaun, Lea pulled herself out of the glider. She chuckled as she wobbled slightly from the extra weight in her middle that shifted her center of gravity, and held onto Shaun with an amused grin. "They have gotten really heavy," she said absently as they walked (or in Lea's case, waddled) into the dining area._

_Shaun glared at Lea's belly. "I can see that," he said as they sat down at the dining table._

* * *

A couple of months had passed since Lea's passing and Nell was officially four months old. Although she was starting to wake Shaun up in the middle of the night a little bit less than she used to, she wasn't fully sleeping through the night just yet. She was able to hold her head steady without being supported and push up to her own elbows. She was also able to roll from her tummy to her back and smile a little bit.

After being woken up by one of his alarms from his phone at 3:00 in the morning, Shaun got up out of bed to retrieve Nell from her crib in her nursery. When he got there, he noticed that she was already wide awake.

"Good morning, peanut," he greeted groggily as he hoisted her out of the crib. He needed to change her into fresh clothes and get himself cleaned up and dressed because it was his first day back at work. If Lea was still alive, she would have returned to work around two to four weeks ago before him.

After Shaun got Nell fed, burped, changed (feeling it would be rude to leave her in a dirty diaper upon her arrival), and dressed, he searched her drawers for a good outfit to wear. He picked out a plain short-sleeved white onesie with a bee on it and a pair of grey pants.

Once Nell was ready, he set her down in her bouncer so he could get himself ready. He did his exercises, showered, brushed his teeth, brushed his hair, and then got dressed in a pair of beige khakis and a dark green button-down shirt.

Before he sat down at the table to eat his breakfast of oatmeal, yogurt, and an apple, he picked up the bouncer with Nell in it and set it on top of the table where he could see her more closer. As he ate his breakfast, he waved the kitten security blanket in front of her and thought about the worries that were going on in his head.

 _Should I pack an extra pair of clothes in case she has a huge diaper blowout?_ He wondered. _I should probably do that._

Shaun was entering his fifth and final year of residency, and he knew that being a single parent and a surgical resident wasn't going to be simple.

Thankfully, he and other parents who worked at St. Bonaventure were in luck because the hospital had an on-site daycare where employees would leave their children while they went to work or where children would spend time when their parents were in the hospital and there was nobody else to watch them. It was the best childcare that was available after business hours.

However, the biggest thing that was going through Shaun's mind right now was the fact that he was leaving Nell with a complete stranger. Although he and Lea already met Brooke, the head daycare worker who seemed pretty nice and trustworthy and had a degree in childcare and child development and psychology, before Nell was even born, she was still a new person to him.

_Separation anxiety: anxiety provoked in a young child by separation or the threat of separation from their primary caregiver, usually a parent._

Shaun was not looking forward to hearing Nell cry once she would leave his arms into someone else's for long hours. He was told that it wasn't easy for the parent either.

But on the bright side, dropping Nell off at daycare as a baby was probably going to be easier than when he would be dropping her off as a toddler, where things would possibly get a bit more physical and Brooke would have to force her to let go of him and keep her from running after him when he would leave the room and walk away.

It wasn't like that way for him and Steve though. They never cried when their parents, especially their father, would drop them off at pre-school. It's because they usually didn't feel safe at home. Whenever their mother or father would come to pick them up, they didn't feel soothed at the reunion. Shaun didn't feel safe at school either, but for a while until he got older, it was better than being at home.

When he finished eating, he walked over to Nell and decided that it was time to go.

"Alright, sweetie," he cooed to the little girl as he lifted her out of her bouncer and buckled her into her car seat. "It's time to go. It's my first day back at work."

* * *

_After Shaun and Lea finished eating, they decided to do something a little romantic._

_Shaun reached out for her hand. "Do you want to dance?" He asked._

_"Sure, I'd love to," Lea cried with tears of happiness, her hormones taking over her. "It can be like the prom night we never had."_

_"It doesn't bother me that I didn't attend my high school prom. I never even wanted to go," reminded Shaun. "And you said that you were resentful of prom since your date showed up with another girl on prom night."_

_"I know. I spent so much of my money on a dress and then that jerkwad Travis Harrell says he can't go to prom because of a family thing, thinking I wouldn't show up to prom with my friend when he shows up instead with that twisted biatch Amanda Kelly," said Lea with slight anger even though that was eleven years ago, yet still despising that painful memory. "There is nothing wrong with not going to prom, but that was one of the worst nights of my life. I was just referring to slow-dancing. And I'm also referring to the time we sang karaoke on our first date. Except we'll be slow-dancing instead. I can't really jump around like I used to do now that I'm pregnant."_

_"I'd rather live through that road trip memory than my teenage memories," joked Shaun as Lea went to the nursery to retrieve her phone and then start playing "Islands in the Stream"._

_"Tequila, stat!" Lea quipped._

_"You can't have alcohol," reminded Shaun jokingly._

_"I know, I'm just reenacting our first date a little bit," laughed Lea. "Okay, then...um, mocktails, stat!"_

_Shaun pulled Lea towards him, his hands embracing her waist. She leaned up to give him a kiss and then rested her head against his shoulder. They swayed together, her pregnant belly pressed in between. He gently laid his head against hers and closed his eyes._

_Three years ago, Lea didn't want to share this apartment with him, and she didn't want to be more than friends or roommates. Now, three years later, he was with the exact same woman in the exact same apartment. This woman was also carrying his child, who could be born any day now._

_Lea must have been thinking the same thing along the same lines because Shaun suddenly heard her whisper, "I'm so happy," into his neck._

_He wrapped his arms around her tighter and pressed a kiss into her hair. "Me, too."_

* * *

Shaun took the bus to St. Bonaventure, carrying Nell in her car seat along with him. He could have taken Lea's hooptie now that he's had his driver's license for months, but he was still used to taking the bus to work.

Before making his way to the breakout room to join his other co-residents, he stopped by the daycare to drop off Nell.

"Hi, Shaun," Brooke greeted cheerfully before turning her attention towards Nell. "Hello, Eleanor."

"Hi, Brooke. I got Nell's important information right here," Shaun said as he handed Brooke a few papers with important information about Nell. "She's up to date on all of her vaccines - HepB, RV1, DTaP, Hib, PCV13, and IPV. Lea and I also received our pertussis vaccinations during her third trimester so we wouldn't give it to her. I'm very strict about getting every vaccine administered at the correct time, and I have her on a schedule."

"That's great," Brooke smiled. "I don't require it, but I do appreciate it and I actually do prefer that the children are up to date on their immunizations. So, thank you for telling me that."

"Here is her feeding schedule. I also packed a change of clothes, and..."

"Shaun, don't worry," reassured Brooke. "Amy and I have all of this under control. I've been doing this for five years and I have four children of my own at home. She's in good hands."

"I have to go now," sighed Shaun, giving his daughter one more hug and kiss, not wanting to let Nell go as he handed over the car seat. "You also might want to wear your hair up in the future because she likes to pull hair. She'll chew on it sometimes."

"Noted. Thank you," obliged Brooke as she held her arms out for Nell.

Nell started to fuss once Shaun transferred her into Brooke's arms.

"It's okay, sweetheart," cooed Brooke, bopping her to calm her down once she had a full grip on Nell, who was reaching her tiny arm out for her father. "It's okay, your daddy will be back. You and I will have a good time."

"It's okay peanut, I'll be back," Shaun tried to hold back his tears as he walked away from the daycare center. "I promise."


	10. My Dear Lulu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On his first day back at work, Shaun shares a bond with a patient who has a heartbreaking life story that is almost too similar to his own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, feel free to review and give me feedback if you want. I should also warn that there is a mention of infant mortality in this chapter.

On his way over to the breakout room, Shaun stopped by the pathology lab to talk to Carly, who was expecting her first child in February as well as her wedding in a year. Shaun was happy for her.

"Hi, Shaun, I haven't seen you in a long time," she greeted her ex-boyfriend at the window of the pathology lab. At five months pregnant, she had her hand to her growing belly.

"Hi, Carly," he greeted back, happy to see his ex-girlfriend. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing fine, except for the aches and pains, but at least the morning sickness has stopped. It's my second trimester," replied Carly before there was a long pause. "It's a boy, and he has been kicking. I like it sometimes, but I wish he would stop sometimes. I can't even fit into my clothes anymore."

"Congratulations," said Shaun, glad that Carly was getting her happily ever after. "You're going to be a good mother."

"Thank you," Carly obliged. "But enough about me. How have you been doing? How has Nell been doing? I know it's your first day back at work."

"I've been fine, except Nell can be exhausting and frustrating sometimes," Shaun answered bluntly. "I'm also missing Lea...and Nell right now. She doesn't like being away from me."

Carly's happy face turned to sadness, feeling sorry for Shaun after what he had recently went through. He and Lea deserved so much better than that. They were soulmates. "Again, I'm really sorry about Lea. She would have been a great mom. I don't know what I'd do without Patrick. He's my rock and I'd be devastated if I lost him, and he'd be devastated if he lost me."

"I know," Shaun sighed, hoping that Carly wouldn't suffer the same fate Lea did, and he knew that the odds are were that she wouldn't. "We would have been engaged at this point if she was still alive. I would have proposed to her last month."

"So much to look forward to," sighed Carly, not knowing what to say. "Anyway, maybe you should head to work right now. I've also gotta get back to work. I don't have time for small talk right now."

"You're right, I should go now."

"Have a good first day back, Shaun!"

* * *

"Welcome back, Shaun," Claire greeted with a smile as soon as she saw him walk into the breakout room where she, Morgan, and Dr. Park were waiting. "We've all really missed having you around."

"Yes, it's been really boring without you here. You've been on vacation for so long that you being gone was starting to become our new normal," teased Morgan, who was filing her nails. Shaun couldn't tell if she was being sarcastic.

"That wasn't a vacation," defended Shaun. "I know you can be mean, but please tell me you're not one of those."

"I was joking, Shaun," laughed Morgan. "We can't take a vacation for more than one week."

It was the truth, though. Shaun hadn't really seen any of them that much since Nell was born although they all visited him briefly once or twice in the past 18 weeks, and that was pretty much it.

"Anyway, how is Nell?" Claire asked curiously, wanting to know how the little cutie was doing as this was Shaun's first day away from her.

"She's fine and fun overall. But she can also be exhausting, frustrating, and sometimes boring. She'll also pull your hair if you hold her or get your face close to her, and she'll put it in her mouth if your hair is long enough," Shaun shared bluntly, knowing he probably shouldn't encourage the habit of chewing on other people's hair. "I do love her, though."

Everyone tried to hold in their laughs about the weird and dopey things babies do.

"That is true about most babies, though. Kellan liked to nibble and suck on people's earlobes, and he picked up that habit until he was three. Mia didn't wear earrings for a long time because of it. He once did it to a stranger on the airplane," shared Dr. Park, his face turning red with slight embarrassment, aware that Kellan would be embarrassed as well.

"Oh, my god!" Morgan snickered along with Claire and Shaun.

"It's how they explore, learn, and develop their five senses, especially taste, but that must have been awkward," guessed Shaun, who couldn't help but laugh a little bit at the image of Kellan, the now 18-year-old college student, doing that weird action as a toddler.

"It really was. Anyway, how is being a dad? I imagine it must have been hard to leave Nell in the care of someone else. Dropping Kellan off at daycare and pre-school wasn't easy for me or Mia," Dr. Park said empathetically. Dr. Park was pretty much the only other parent on the team and besides Dr. Glassman, Shaun often asked him for parenting advice when Lea was pregnant.

"Yes, it was," replied Shaun. "I'm happy to be back, but I did enjoy the time I had with my daughter. It was hard doing most of it without Lea, though."

Everyone's excited smiles faded at the mention of Lea, sad that Nell wouldn't remember her mother. The atmosphere went silent until Dr. Andrews entered the room. Although he knew it was Shaun's first day back, seeing him almost felt like a shock to him since he had been on paternity leave for 18 weeks.

And, he with a child via surrogacy on the way, he was also excited to have two residents to ask for advice about being a father.

"Welcome back, Murphy," greeted Dr. Andrews cheerily. "How have you been doing? How is Eleanor?"

"We're both doing fine," replied Shaun monotonously, fighting his urge not to send Brooke a text asking if Nell was okay. "But since Nell is with someone else right now, I don't know if she is fine."

"I'm sure she is in good hands right now," Dr. Andrews reassured. "Anyway, if she wasn't, then I'm pretty sure the daycare worker would probably be calling you right now."

"I guess," agreed Shaun, knowing from a logical standpoint that his attending was right. "But I'm ready to start my shift. I need a good distraction from being worried."

"Alright then, Dr. Cooperberg is out sick today so Park and Reznick will be with Dr. Lim. Murphy and Browne, you're with me," said Dr. Andrews.

* * *

An ambulance had arrived at the ER with an elderly man, who greeted Shaun, Claire, and Dr. Andrews with pure angelic hospitality. "It is so great to see some more young faces here," he said cheerfully with enthusiasm, referring to the three of them. The trio of doctors and the nurses weren't sure if he was high or something.

"John Muntz, 92-years-old," the EMT introduced. "Fever and pain. Redness and swelling in his leg."

"When did it all start?" Claire asked, ready to retain every piece of important information about the patient.

"About an hour ago," replied John, who was surprisingly calm.

"We'll take good care of you, John," reassured Claire.

The three doctors tended to the man and gathered his medical history. John had type-II diabetes and cirrhosis of the liver. After examining his leg, Shaun hypothesized that it could be osteomyelitis and the three doctors agreed that they would need to do a bone biopsy and an MRI.

While doing the MRI, John would not stop talking about his awesome life adventures - being a combat medic in the Korean War and traveling all over the world. While Claire and Shaun found his life to be interesting, it also made it hard for them to concentrate on the procedure with his constant talking.

The MRI revealed some tissue damage, so it wasn't long before they prepped John for a bone biopsy, where he would not stop talking as they numbed his leg with a local anesthetic.

"We'll need to know what type of germ has infected your bone. It will allow us to choose the right antibiotic," Shaun explained to the sweet old man.

Once he was numb and the procedure began, John decided to stop talking about himself and wanted to learn about his fellow doctors.

"So, what are your lives like? Besides being doctors, I'm sure you guys have lives outside the hospital, and I'm sure they're exciting," John speculated.

"My wife is a doctor at San Jose General," shared Dr. Andrews. "We've been together for 29 years."

"Do you have children?" John asked.

"We're going to have one through surrogacy in six months," Dr. Andrews sighed in sadness. "We tried for years, but I had a fertility problem. It was hard, but we started to accept that we were fine as we were and just wanted to focus on our relationship and just live our lives as they were. Then, we decided that we could still have children. We decided to hire a surrogate."

"That's a wise choice," John complimented. "Lulu and I tried for so many years. What about your two residents here?"

"I'm currently in a relationship," Claire shared happily. "We haven't talked about marriage yet, but I hope so someday...and kids, too."

"That's nice," John said sweetly. "Dr. Murphy, do you have similar plans?"

"It's actually my first day back," replied Shaun. "I was on paternity leave for 18 weeks."

"Well, congratulations!" John saluted enthusiastically. "What's your baby's name?"

"Her name is Eleanor Clementine, but we usually call her 'Nell', which is in honor of one of our former attendings," answered Shaun. "She was born on May 30th and is four months old."

"What a lovely name. That's wonderful, and so are children. My Lulu and I never had any, but they sure are a blessing. Our nieces and nephews were a blessing."

Neither Shaun or Claire felt like mentioning Dr. Melendez or Lea to John, so they just continued with the procedure. Shaun also didn't think he should mention to John that Lea's family would call her "Lulu".

Getting back on topic, Dr. Andrews told John what needed to happen. "You're going to need surgery to remove the portions that died and then we'll put you on antibiotics."

"Sounds great," exclaimed John. "Then let's do this!"

* * *

John's surgery went well at first, and then he was put on antibiotics. But when they didn't work, Shaun, Claire, and Dr. Andrews had no choice but to amputate his leg.

"I think I'm ready for the surgery," he mumbled groggily as he woke up slowly.

"We just finished the surgery, John," explained Dr. Andrews somberly. "Odds are you're going to be fine, but there was a complication during the surgery..."

"The antibiotics didn't work, so we had to amputate your leg," finished Shaun candidly.

"I can't wait for Lulu and Helen to come see me. I hope you gave them a call," John hummed in delight. "Anyway, nothing wrong with no leg. Amputation is better than death."

"Who is Helen?" Claire asked in curiosity and confusion.

"She's my daughter," replied John, which was weird because John didn't have any children. Though they were aware that Lulu was his late wife as he had mentioned her to them before.

However, they all just brushed it off as delirium from the anesthesia. They also admired his ability to always look at the bright side of things. He was 92-years-old, and any day could be his last so he was probably trying to make the best of everything.

* * *

Once John's anesthesia wore off and Shaun, Claire, and Dr. Andrews walked out of the room, Shaun turned back to notice a sad look on John's face. He was crying.

"Are you crying? Are you sad?" Shaun asked, seeing it as an odd sight since John was acting happy most of the time.

"I lied," sniffed John. "I've actually been widowed for many years, not three. Lulu and I didn't live a very long life where we got to grow old together. And we actually did have one child, a little girl, Helen. She never got to take her first breath, though."

Shaun was voiceless, the words from John sounding totally unexpected. "I'm...so sorry," he blubbered. "It was complications from pregnancy or childbirth, wasn't it?"

"Yes, it was," sighed John. "When I got back from Korea for good in 1953, Lulu told me that she was two months pregnant with my child. I was very happy and we were so excited when she was four weeks away from her due date. She had been complaining of headaches, and when they got bad, I feared that it could be toxemia. So, while I was driving her to the clinic, she had a seizure. I then rushed her to the hospital. The baby was born via c-section, but she was stillborn due to placental abruption. The doctor told me that it was eclampsia that caused Lulu's seizure. It was diagnosed too late, and her body began shutting down slowly. We were going to name the baby Helen, who would be 67-years-old today. She'd probably have a few children of her own and maybe even a few grandchildren by now."

"Undiagnosed eclampsia is how Lea, Nell's mother, died, except that it happened six weeks after she was born. The eclamptic seizure caused an aneurysm, which caused her to become brain dead," shared Shaun, being reminded of that painful moment all over again. "I was going to ask her to marry me on her 30th birthday, which was last month. Lea had a very difficult pregnancy, and the birth wasn't easy either."

"It's been almost 70 years since I've gone out on a date, because Lulu was my soulmate. I met her back in 1952 at a USO dance. I was 23, and she was 18. While everyone else was dancing, I just stood in the corner and watched. Then, Lulu came up to me and we started talking, then she asked me if I wanted to dance...and we immediately clicked although she was better at dancing than I was. We were total opposites, though. I was very shy and orderly and she was very flighty and spontaneous, but our differences were what made us fall in love with each other," John reminisced. "She was the only one who called me 'Johnny'."

"I met Lea when she knocked on my door asking for batteries," said Shaun, who had now sat himself next to John. "She took me on a road trip and taught me how to drive and also how to live. She taught me how to fall in love. She was very free-spirited, and I was deliberate. She told me that she was the only honest guy she knew, which is why she fell in love with me. She said I was the only person who never judged her. Most people thought she was too flakey. Her family would call her 'Lulu', and she would call me 'Shaunie' sometimes."

"You know, people would always crucify Lulu for not being prim and proper, which is why my father didn't approve of her," John gave Shaun a smile as he whispered. "But she was far more interesting and fun to be around than most of the other women I've met. She told me that I was the only man who actually cared about what she had to say."

"I'm sorry," apologized Shaun. "I'm sure you would have been a great father."

John reached out and took Shaun's hand weakly. "Just keep on living your life. Don't waste your life grieving the loved ones you lost. You will be able to move forward and love again."

"I already feel complete with my daughter," asserted Shaun. "Besides being a doctor, she's my purpose in life right now. And losing my rabbit and brother is why I decided to become a doctor. I wanted to make life possible for other people. I will also make sure that Nell will live a long and happy life."

"That's a good way to cope with grief and use it for a good purpose in your life," John affirmed, giving Shaun an encouraging smile. "I also lied about all the adventures I went on. After I lost Lulu and Helen, I had no family or friends left, we were both only children, so we didn't have any nieces or nephews. I wasted most of my life drinking in pity after that. I eventually got better, but I could have found love again with another woman and eventually started a family with her."

Shaun took the man's advice, and tightened his grip on the man's hand a little bit, acknowledging what he had just told him.

Despite his sadness, the patient was going to be fine physically. He was going to be fine. He was going to live.

* * *

When Shaun picked Nell up from the daycare later that day, he was so happy to see her again; he was practically hugging her as if he had just got back from a war. After everything that had happened for the past year and after hearing John's whole life story, he couldn't help but feel even more blessed to have her in his life.

On their bus ride home, all Shaun could think about as he stared lovingly at Nell in her car seat was poor John Muntz, the man who came in talking as if he had just lived an interesting life when he actually spent most of it in complete grief after he had the best things that ever happened to him ripped away from him. And how poor Lulu never even got a chance to hold her daughter.

Shaun could not stop thinking about how lucky he was that he still had his daughter after losing Lea. He could not stop thinking about the other possible outcomes that could have happened.

Lea could have miscarried. Her hyperemesis gravidarum and gestational diabetes could have caused her to give birth way too early when Nell wouldn't be viable. She could have died from chorio. She could have bled to death when she started hemorrhaging. Nell could have been stillborn. She also could have been affected by the chorio and died. She could have arrived before being full term and died from the possible complications. She could have suffocated and had anoxic brain death when she got stuck in the birth canal. Most of all, Lea's eclampsia could have happened while she was still pregnant, and it could have killed them both...especially if she wasn't far along enough.

Shaun was grateful that neither of those things happened, but deep down, he would never get over the fact that complications from postpartum eclampsia killed Lea.

Another thing he couldn't stop thinking about was how lucky he was to not be living in the era when John lost Lulu and Helen - the 1950s. He and Lea have both seen _Call the Midwife_ and he was also well aware of many old-fashioned and outdated medical procedures.

In 1954, Lea wouldn't have gotten routine ultrasounds to where a breech fetus would be detected and they would need to rotate the fetus or schedule a c-section. They most likely wouldn't have found out until Lea was already in the second stage of labor, when the baby's head could have been caught.

Nell did get stuck in the birth canal by the way, but it was due to shoulder dystocia. And he was glad to be there with Lea by her side during the whole thing, especially during the time when she had the EVC.

He couldn't imagine Lea going through those things alone like Lulu had to. It would have been scary.

* * *

_Shaun and Lea were there for her 36-week check-up at the St. Bonaventure clinic. Abby, their doula, was there was well. Both Shaun and Lea were concerned that him being her only source of support during the entire labor and birth would be exhausting for him, so they agreed that having a doula present would be good for them...and Abby was just the right person for them._

_Not only had she been a board-certified doula for three years and had two children of her own, but she had also assisted a few laboring women with disabilities and/or laboring women with disabled birth partners. She was always willing to be aware of their needs, especially those with sensory issues. Her oldest is also on the spectrum and she was there for her autistic cousin as her doula when she gave birth._

_With Lea now officially nine months pregnant, Dr. Garcia needed to make sure that the baby had moved into the head-down position, facing the cervix and the birth canal. However, it hadn't done it quite yet, and it needed to happen by now. If the fetus hadn't turned around by this mark, they were going to have to make a decision whether to manually turn it around or schedule a c-section._

_Shaun was holding Lea's hand as she was reclined on the exam table while she let Dr. Garcia examine her._

_"Have you experienced any signs of labor, such as cramping, mild contractions, or a change in your vaginal discharge like a bloody show?" Dr. Garcia asked._

_"I don't think so," Lea answered._

_"Good," said Dr. Garcia softly as she felt around Lea's lower abdomen, trying to locate the baby's head, back, and buttocks. However, her eyes then narrowed into smaller slits as her face was telling Shaun that something was not right._

_"Is the baby still breech?" Shaun prodded, wondering if that was the case. A few appointments ago, it was confirmed that the baby was in a complete breech position. They didn't worry at first because they thought that the baby would eventually turn around on its own._

_Lea's eyes widened with panic a little._

_"Possibly," affirmed Dr. Garcia as she prepped the ultrasound and then performed it on Lea to confirm the fetal position._

_As Dr. Garcia rolled the ultrasound wand across Lea's abdomen, Shaun squeezed her hand and his toy scalpel tighter as his eyes were glued to the screen, which then revealed that the baby was still positioned to come out buttocks first._

_"Well, it appears that the fetus is still in a complete breech position," confirmed Dr. Garcia with disappointment._

_"So, does this mean I'm going to need a c-section?" Lea asked nervously. Although Abby (and Shaun and Dr. Garcia, too) informed Lea that a vaginal breech birth was possible and might be safe, Shaun and Lea both agreed that they didn't want to take that risk. Lea still wasn't sure if she wanted to try the manual procedure of turning the baby around._

_"Not quite," reassured Abby._

_"If you're comfortable with it, we can still change the fetal position with the external cephalic version," suggested Dr. Garcia. "As Abby and I have told you, it involves turning the fetus around manually with pressure applied to the abdomen."_

_Lea looked up at Shaun, and he nodded in agreement. "It would be a good idea if you still want to avoid a c-section, but it's up to you."_

_Lea then gazed at Abby, who also nodded in agreement. "I agree with Shaun."_

_"I think I want to go ahead and turn the baby around," decided Lea. She wanted to go ahead and give it a try. Although she wouldn't be disappointed or feel like less of a woman if she ended up having a c-section, she still wanted to try to avoid having one._

_"Are you sure?" Dr. Garcia checked, wanting to make sure that Lea was okay with this._

_"If you want to go ahead and have a c-section, that's okay," heartened Abby. "It is major surgery, but there is nothing wrong with wanting to be safe."_

_"I don't want to have a c-section," admitted Lea. "You said there is still a way the baby can be turned so I can deliver vaginally. It wouldn't hurt to try."_

_"The success rate is about 65%," warned Shaun for the second time. "It is generally safe, but there are also risks. It could cause changes in the baby's heart rate and tearing of the placenta."_

_"And it can be uncomfortable," apprised Abby. "Trust me, it's not a pleasant experience."_

_"Exactly what they said," Dr. Garcia acknowledged, agreeing with Shaun and Abby._

_"I'm willing to try this," indicated Lea bravely._

_"You're going to want to squeeze my arm for this," Shaun whispered to her, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and willing to go through any tight squeezing Lea would be giving him. He's done this procedure before, so he could already predict that she was going to be screaming as she had a very low pain tolerance._

* * *

_Minutes later, the fetal heartbeat was being monitored, which was going to be happening for about half an hour before the ECV._

_Once the time for the procedure was ready, Shaun allowed Lea to grip his arm with one hand while she used to other to grip onto Abby's arm. He psyched himself up for screaming and tight squeezing from her hands and nails._

_"Are you ready?" Dr. Garcia asked, making sure her patient really was._

_Lea nodded nervously before Dr. Garcia told her she was going to feel pressure right before starting the process. She pressed her hands onto Lea's abdomen, applying firm pressure as Lea loudly whimpered in discomfort._

_Just like she had been warned, the procedure was painful as fuck. She was squeezing Abby and Shaun's arms tight the entire time as Shaun stroked her hair (and bit his bottom lip) while Dr. Garcia and a nurse participated in trying to rotate the baby._

_Surprisingly, the procedure eventually worked, and the baby was now in a head-down position…ready to be born._

* * *

Once Shaun got home, he shed tears as he thought about the elderly patient and how his and his wife's life was almost too similar to his and Lea's. Shaun lost Lea but gained Nell, but John lost both Lulu and Helen and was left alone.

He wondered if John was a future version of himself if fate ended up going down the alternative path of losing both Lea and Nell.

Nell was already fast asleep when they got home, so Shaun put her to sleep in her crib as soon as he walked through the door and before he even changed out of his shoes.

"I love you, peanut," he whispered softly to the little girl as he tucked her in and nestled her kitten security blanket with her. He stroked her cheek and kissed her forehead.

He was always going to be there for her no matter what. She was his little girl, his only child, and he was going to enjoy every single moment with her that he could.

"I will always love you," he whispered to her one more time as she was sleeping peacefully.

Shaun took one more glance at her, her mother's signed baseball, and the framed pictures of her mother and uncle before finally walking out of the nursery.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you guys noticed how I gave the patient and his deceased family names that were extremely similar to Shaun, Lea, and Nell. Sean/Shaun is an Irish cognate of John and Nell can be short for both Eleanor and Helen. And Lea and Lulu, I'm sure you can figure that out from what was said in Chapter 6. It was meant to emphasize how similar Shaun saw himself to the patient :(


	11. Milestones

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nell is learning to walk. Shaun also thinks about the times he and Lea would talk to her in the womb and when he felt her kick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me what you guys think of this, especially all of the references to previous episodes throughout the entire story.

Nell was growing bigger every single day as she reached a lot of her infant milestones. At four months, she started teething and reaching for things. By six months, she was sitting up. She learned to crawl at nine months, and before Shaun knew it, she was getting into everything, climbing on everything, destroying things, dropping her food onto the floor, and putting anything she would find in her mouth. She would also make a choking noise every time a food she didn't like would be put in her mouth; it was her way of expressing disgust, which sometimes made others around them nervous.

Everyone agreed that Nell was a cutie and they adored her, especially Kellan, who would babysit her sometimes when he didn't have class. But nobody loved and adored her more than her father. Shaun could tell that she was definitely going to be a Daddy's Girl.

Now, she was 10-months-old and was starting to learn to walk. He and Claire were with her at the local park helping her learn.

Watching Nell reach another milestone in her early life reminded Shaun of the milestones Lea would reach during her pregnancy, especially the moments when he would talk to Nell while she was in the womb.

* * *

_Lea started to show a little bit by her 18th week of pregnancy, but it could still pass as the aftermath of a big lunch and it was usually only noticeable when she wasn't wearing anything; it could easily be hidden by loose clothing. She'd hit the five month mark, but she hadn't felt the baby kick yet. She could feel some little movements, though. It felt like there were a bunch of butterflies flapping around in there._

_“The baby should be able to hear our voices at this point,” Shaun piped up while lying and relaxing in bed with Lea. His hand caressed her pregnant belly._

_“Are you saying you want to talk to them?” Lea bid, hoping that this is what her boyfriend was requesting._

_“Yes, I want to talk to them,” Shaun implied, smiling. “We should start talking to them. They’re going to recognize our voices when they’re out of the womb.”_

_“They need to get used to our voices because we’re going to be the first people they’ll hear and see when they’re born,” verified Lea, rubbing her belly with one hand and skimming her fingers through Shaun’s hair with the other._

_“Well, let’s get started,” Shaun demanded, shifting and then rolling over onto Lea's legs so his face would be facing towards her abdomen._

_“Hey, sweetie,” Lea cooed softly, planting her hand atop the base of her belly. “This is Mommy, and I love you.”_

_“Hello there, peanut,” Shaun chimed in, gently rubbing Lea’s abdomen. “This is Daddy, and I love you, too.”_

_“Peanut?” Lea was astonished, already liking the little nickname Shaun had picked out for their child._

_“They kind of looked like a peanut on the first ultrasound,” Shaun explained. “And…I like peanuts.”_

_“Okay, then. I actually like that little pet name,” Lea giggled before resuming their one-sided conversation with the baby. “We haven’t felt you kick yet, but we’re waiting,” she coddled. “It should happen very soon, though. I’ve felt you move a little bit, but your daddy hasn’t yet.”_

_“You’re the size of a sweet potato right now, and we love you, and we’re going to be good parents to you. My life is better with both you and your mommy in it,” Shaun chuckled as he stroked Lea’s swollen belly. “It’s also complete.”_

_“I love you even though you're putting me through some pain right now and squeezing my bladder,” Lea quipped before she gave her unborn child a comical scolding. “And don’t even get me started on having to push that football-sized head of yours out of my vagina.”_

_“And you need to know that I love you just as much as I love your mommy, even though she once stripped down to her undergarments in the winter, jumped into a lake, and pretended to drown,” Shaun joked._

_"It was not a good joke," sighed Lea, laughing but also cringing at that memory. Shaun was mad about that._

_"But I forgive her," Shaun smiled._

_“Your daddy and I need to go to bed now, so we’re done talking to you. Goodnight, peanut. I love you,” Lea finished before turning off the lamp and settling into bed._

_“I love you, Lea. Goodnight,” bid Shaun, kissing Lea. He then leaned over to peck Lea’s abdomen. “Goodnight to you, too, peanut. I love you.”_

_They then went down for the night and fell asleep._

* * *

_Shaun was later awoken in the night after another nightmare about his childhood. He had them a lot when he was a teenager, especially after Steve died. He eventually learned to manage them._

_Unfortunately, they were now making a comeback…probably because he’s now got a child of his own on the way; his actual child he had actually impregnated somebody with. Years of child abuse can really do a lot to someone, especially as adults…and when they become parents themselves._

_He hasn’t told anybody that these recurring dreams have resurfaced since Lea learned she was pregnant (except Lea, though)._

_Besides feeling his scalpel and breathing in and out, he tried to take his mind off of those thoughts by talking to his unborn child. He wanted to make a bond between just the two of them, a bond between father and child. Shaun sat up in bed and then placed his hand onto Lea’s belly, gently caressing it._

_“Hey there, peanut. It’s your daddy,” he whispered. “That's not really your name. We don't know what you are yet and we don't have a girl name picked out just yet. If you're a boy, your name will be Stevie, after your uncle. I think you might remember me from the time you spent in my testicles,” Shaun stopped talking for a second and then thought about what he had just said._

_That’s too weird, he thought, ruffling his hair the same way Steve would do it while also cringing at the words that just came out of his mouth._

_“The voices that are talking to you right now will be the voices you’ll hear when you come out in about four months. I can’t sleep now, so I want you to know how much I love you and care for you…even though we haven’t met you yet, and we’ve only seen pictures of you inside your mommy’s uterus. I don’t really have anything else to say, so I guess this is goodnight,” he said, kissing the swell of Lea’s belly and then lying back down in bed._

_“That was sweet, Shaunie,” Shaun heard Lea mutter._

_“You…heard the whole thing?”_

_“Yes, I did,” Lea yawned. “Now, I’m going to go back to bed.”_

_Shaun immediately snuggled up against Lea, wrapping his arm around her waist._

* * *

"You can do this, peanut," Shaun encouraged as he knelt and shuffled his knees across the grass, trying to help Nell walk. She'd been walking with a walker for a while, but he was trying to help her walk on her own. For the past week, Shaun had been devoted to trying to help his daughter learn to walk.

Nell was looking and acting pretty timid. With her tiny hands, she clutched her father's hands tighter as she began to take a few baby steps. Claire was standing behind Nell to catch her in case she fell backward.

"You're doing such a great job, Nell" Claire praised the little girl as Shaun continued to move forward. "Go on, keep walking towards your daddy!"

"I'm going to let go now," Shaun warned softly. He slowly began pulling his hands away, and then Nell stumbled backward. 

Luckily, Claire caught her and she landed on her bottom instead of her head or neck. She then hoisted her up into her arms. "Okay, I'm going to hand you back to your daddy right now."

"Good thing you were there, thank you for coming to the park with me today," Shaun thanked as he took Nell from Claire. It took two people to help a baby learn to walk. "I probably shouldn't have let go of her hands too soon."

"I think that's part of the process of learning to walk for babies," Claire suggested. "And it could have been worse, she could have tumbled down a flight of stairs."

"Her soft spot hasn't fully closed up yet, so that would be bad," said Shaun, chuckling nervously.

Shaun couldn't believe his daughter was beginning to walk. It felt like it was only yesterday that she was born and when he was feeling her kick and stir inside of Lea. 

And speaking of Lea, it was a shame that she was missing this.

* * *

_At 20 weeks pregnant, Lea reached the halfway point in her pregnancy - and she definitely looked pregnant right now. Very often, she would have this flustered look on her face. Stretch marks were encasing her abdomen, breasts, thighs, and buttocks. Since her old clothes were fitting tighter around her waist with the addition of her swollen feet and ankles, she had borrowed some of Shaun’s clothes, but those weren’t going to do much for too long…and she didn’t want to stretch them out._

_“What do you think our baby’s sex is?” Shaun asked Lea as they relaxed in their bed. They were offered to learn the sex of their baby at this week's ultrasound, but they declined and decided to be surprised. Even though Shaun wasn't a fan of surprises, this was one of the rare exceptions._

_“I don't know,” Lea shrugged playfully, rubbing the swell of her belly. “According to those silly old wives tails, I’m having a girl.”_

_“Those are superstitions, not scientific tests,” reminded Shaun. He was aware that Lea was obviously not serious because she used the word “silly", and she didn’t believe in superstition._

_“I know,” Lea scoffed. “But according to all of those superstitions, I meet all of the criteria for being pregnant with a girl.”_

_“What criteria?”_

_“Severe morning sickness, a lot of weight in my midsection, carrying high, rapid heartbeat, excessive acne, horrible mood swings. mostly sleeping on my right side, and my hair is also pretty thin and dull,” articulated Lea. “On the contrary, craving salty things and being clumsy are apparent signs that I’m having a boy. Also, because you and I both had brothers and men seemed to dominate my family, I’m actually betting that it’s a boy. What do you think?”_

_“Wait, we’re betting?” Shaun questioned, his eyes wide with shock._

_“Not really…I’m just guessing. But I’m curious, what do you think the sex is?”_

_“I don’t know. Based on the old wives’ tales, I’m betting that it’s a girl,” Shaun answered, settling his hand onto Lea’s belly._

_“But you just said that superstitions aren’t accurate,” Lea snorted before lightly ruffling his hair. “You hypocrite!”_

_“It could just be a coincidence,” Shaun suggested while beaming a smile, which made Lea suspicious._

_“Oh, my god! You didn’t!” Lea groaned dramatically, looking shocked. “Please don’t tell me you peeked at our baby’s crotch during the ultrasound!”_

_“I didn’t,” Shaun defended, being honest. “I barely saw anything around that area. And remember, the baby was in a tricky position, so it was hard for Dr. Garcia to figure out the sex.”_

_“Okay, good,” Lea sighed with relief. “For a second, I thought…”_

_At that very moment, Lea was interrupted mid-sentence when she felt her baby move around. As soon as she felt that movement, she alerted Shaun. “Shaunie, the baby is moving around and kicking! Feel it!”_

_Immediately, Shaun framed his hands around Lea’s abdomen, waiting to feel movement from inside. “Come on, peanut,” Shaun pressed softly. “Kick, please.”_

_“Come on, sweetie. Kick for Daddy! He's been waiting.”_

_“A kick. A punch. A nudge. Please. Anything,” begged Shaun. He’d been anticipating to feel the baby move around, but so far, he hasn’t been able to feel it yet like Lea had a couple of weeks ago._

_“Come on, sweetie. Just…” Lea suddenly stopped and looked up at Shaun, who was still staring at her belly. While she was talking, there was a slight jolt within her abdomen._

_Before any of them could talk again, Lea felt another kick inside her belly, probably strong enough for Shaun to feel. She sat up. “Oh, my god.”_

_“Yes! I felt it! I felt it! I felt the baby move!” Shaun burst into a grin, happily flapping his hands. He softly laughed and then kissed the area on Lea’s belly, right where he felt the baby kick. “I love you,” he swooned, feeling tears of laughter sting his eyes. He gently rested his head onto Lea’s swollen belly._

_He felt Lea wrap her arms around him. Feeling their unborn child move around made Shaun more happy to not only be a father, but also happier to be doing this with Lea. It was amazing to believe that they had gotten this far in their relationship._

_Most of all, he could hardly believe that he had even gotten this far in life itself._

_Shaun moved his head up towards Lea and kissed her, keeping one of his hands on her belly and letting Lea cup his cheeks._

_“Even though I can’t really tell now, I think our baby already loves you,” he expressed happily._

_“They will love you, too,” Lea put forth with a smile. “We already love them too much.”_

_Shaun placed a kiss on Lea’s forehead, “I love you,” and then kissed her belly, “And I love you. And if you think I don’t love you, I really do. I love you more than anything. Even your mom and Dr. Glassman. I even love you more than I loved my bunny and your Uncle Steve. And I love you a hell of a lot more than your paternal grandparents have ever loved me. Well, your grandmother may have loved me, but your grandfather didn’t. He was a disaster. He told me he wished I hadn’t been born and that I wasn’t worth the trouble…but I think you are and will always be worth the trouble.”_

_"Okay, this is getting a bit too real," said Lea. Shaun may have let go of some of his personal fears about parenthood, especially regarding the relationship he had with his father, but some of them still lingered. With the relationship she had with her mother, she knew exactly how he felt. “Don’t worry, sweetie. Daddy just shows his love in a different way,” Lea replied to Shaun’s comment as her way of reassuring him that he won’t screw their kid up._

_“Or she might show her love the same different way Daddy does,” Shaun added and repeated, which he meant that their child could be autistic._

_“Or that,” Lea suddenly realized that Shaun just referred to their child as “she” and not “they” or “the baby". She then gave him a smirk as if he was guilty of something. “Wait, you did peek at the ultrasound, didn’t you? You said ‘she'.”_

_“No, I didn’t peek at the ultrasound. I just said a random pronoun,” Shaun retorted, being honest._

_“If you say so,” Lea rolled her eyes before drawing her attention back towards the baby in her belly. “Okay, sweetie,” she cooed to their unborn baby as she rubbed the swell of her belly. “Can you please give it a rest for a while? Mommy needs her sleep for you to live.”_

* * *

Nell was sitting on one of her father's thighs; he was bopping and shaking his leg up and down a little and holding his arm around her core as he talked to Claire about how excited she was about her upcoming romantic dinner with Dash. Their conversation was interrupted when Nell spat out her pacifier onto into the grass.

"I'll pick it up," Claire offered when she noticed Shaun about to bend over. She picked up the pacifier and handed it back to Shaun, who was pretty disgusted by the sight of it having been dropped on the ground.

"Gross," he revolted, deciding that this thing wasn't going back in her mouth after it had been covered in dirt and grass that were probably contaminated with dog feces at one point. "Can you hand me the pacifier wipes and the pacifier holder?"

Claire reached for the diaper bag and then pulled out the items that Shaun had requested.

Nell stuffed her hand in her mouth, signaling that she was hungry. "I guess I should probably get out the apple puffs, too," smiled Claire, reaching her hand into the bag and then handing the container of snacks to Shaun.

After having a few puffs for himself, he gave some to Nell.

"Did you just eat some of those?" Claire asked curiously.

"Yes, they're really good. I sometimes have them with my oatmeal," shared Shaun. "Do you want to try some?"

"Sure," Claire decided, assuming that it was probably going to taste like cardboard or something, but much to her surprise, the apple flavor was delicious. "You're right, Shaun. These are great. I think I might start having them for a snack for the rest of my life."

They continued to talk for a while as they had lunch before they resumed back to helping Nell learn to walk. Again, Shaun was saddened that Lea wasn't alive to join them for this. He couldn't stop thinking about the day Nell was born; it was the best moment of his and Lea's lives.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next chapter will be a flashback to Nell's birth.


	12. Bundle of Joy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lea gives birth to Nell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not only is this entire chapter going to be a flashback, but it is also going to be an incredibly long chapter. Also, this chapter contains an incredibly detailed description of labor and childbirth. And besides that, it is also harrowing. I hope you all enjoy.

Lea's due date was May 14, but it was now May 27 and she was almost two weeks overdue, so Dr. Garcia scheduled her to be induced tomorrow at 4:00 pm. Therefore, today was Shaun's last day before his paternity leave. However, Dr. Andrews and Dr. Lim made it a half-day for him when they let him off his shift early at 3:00 pm.

"It would be good to spend some last few moments with Lea before the baby is born, just the two of you," Dr. Lim advised. "And congratulations. Good luck."

Shaun was happy that Dr. Lim and Dr. Andrews agreed to let him off early because he felt too distracted by his thoughts about the upcoming birth to fully concentrate. He and Lea couldn't believe that in approximately 24 hours, they were going to be parents. They had so many things they could do in their window of free time before going to the hospital tomorrow: eat, nap, shower, exercise, watch TV, practice their breathing exercises, make sure their bags were packed, give Lea a mani-pedi, etc.

It was at 7:30 pm when Lea decided to make pancakes, although Shaun insisted that he would cook them while she relaxed on the couch. They ended up eating all of them and continued to watch TV, part of it involving Lea getting up to pee every 5-10 minutes.

At 8:45 pm, Lea felt wet again during one of her bathroom trips. However, she swore she didn't force it out herself.

 _Did my water just break...or did I just pee...or is that just more discharge?_ She wondered, not sure if she could tell the difference between the three. When she got up from the toilet seat and started to pull her pants up, she heard a pop and more water came out.

"Shaun!" She called out, her voice trembling. "I think my water broke!"

As soon as Shaun heard those words, he immediately made his way towards the bathroom to find Lea standing up over the toilet with her pajama bottoms dropped down to her ankles, her panties halfway down and around her thighs, and her hands pressed against the walls. His eyes widened with shock as he examined the scene. Her pants and underwear were soaking wet and a stream of clear fluid was running down her inner legs. Drops of it were on the floor and the toilet seat.

It was time.

"It did. Your amniotic fluid is clear, which is a good thing," he confirmed, grabbing a fresh clean towel from the towel rack. "I'll get you a fresh pair of underwear and pants. And I'll call Dr. Garcia and Abby."

"Okay," acknowledged Lea.

As Shaun helped her out of her soaked panties and pajama bottoms, more water continued to leak down her leg and just keep seeping out.

"Have you had any contractions?" Shaun asked, not caring that some of Lea's amniotic fluid had gotten on him. "If so, how far apart are they?"

"I haven't had any," replied Lea, feeling perplexed that her water broke but she wasn't having any contractions.

"We need to get to the hospital, though," he stated, wiping Lea's legs dry. "Your contractions might start later."

"Okay, but right after we clean this up," sighed Lea, staring at the puddle by her feet on the bathroom floor.

Once Lea showered and Shaun helped her into fresh new clothes, the couple got everything ready and then were interrupted by a knock at the door, followed by annoyed groans from both of them.

"Now is not a good time!" Lea said loudly to whoever was at the door.

"It's me, guys," they heard Dr. Glassman's disembodied voice on the other side of the door. "Debbie made a blanket for the baby. She was supposed to finish it yesterday, but..."

"Just come in and leave it on the coffee table," demanded Shaun. "The door is unlocked."

Dr. Glassman walked in to find Shaun and Lea getting their bags ready. They were definitely going somewhere.

"I'm guessing it's time?" He guessed, thinking that he should probably help them with their bags.

"Yes, we're heading to the hospital right now. My water broke, but I'm not having contractions," explained Lea.

"I'll help you carry your things. I can drive you guys if you'd like," Dr. Glassman offered.

"That will be fine, thank you," Shaun decided after Lea gave him a nod of approval. He was feeling a little too panicky to drive them himself.

This was it. Pretty soon, Shaun and Lea were finally going to meet Nell or Stevie.

* * *

"Do you have any advice for me? On what I should do in the delivery room," Shaun, who was sitting in the backseat, asked Dr. Glassman for the umpteenth time on their way to St. Bonaventure.

"Just don't complain, and whatever you do, don't tell her what is happening down there unless she asks you to tell her," Dr. Glassman implored. "With my ex-wife, I made the mistake of complaining about my foot hurting, and she said she'd break my nuts if she could."

"Okay," Shaun acknowledged as he stared out the car window. "I got it."

"So, are you nervous? This is your first child, it has to be pretty nerve-wracking," Dr. Glassman commented.

"Which one of us are you asking?" Shaun asked.

"Um...both of you," scoffed Dr. Glassman haughtily.

"A little bit," Lea answered, her hands resting on top of her big belly. "But also excited."

"Me, too," Shaun added as he tapped his fingers against the window, trying not to show how nervous he actually was.

A lot of people who didn't know Shaun would have thought he wasn't anxious at all, but he really was anxious about the birth of his child. As a surgeon, he was aware of all the worst-case scenarios, but he didn't share his fears with Lea. Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. It was Murphy's Law, literally.

"Everything is going to be just fine, Shaun," Dr. Glassman reassured. "Trust me. Also, Debbie told me to wish you both good luck for her."

* * *

The trio made it to St. Bonaventure at around 10:00 in the evening, and Lea still wasn't having any contractions. After arriving at the maternity ward, Shaun and Lea were assigned a room after they finished filling out the assigned paperwork.

"Good luck, I hope everything goes smooth," bid Dr. Glassman before the young couple left him behind in the waiting area.

When Lea was finally admitted and once Abby arrived, Dr. Garcia checked Lea's vitals and examined her cervix to check her dilation.

"Your cervix hasn't opened yet, or even started to soften or efface," she announced.

"Are you kidding me?" Lea groaned. _Please don't tell me I have to go through another painful procedure just to avoid a c-section,_ she thought. The EVC was already painful enough.

"We need to ripen your cervix first. And to do that, we're going to insert prostaglandins into your vagina," explained Dr. Garcia.

"They act like hormones, and it will help ripen your cervix and stimulate contractions," Shaun intervened. Lea liked it when he did that; she found more comfort from it coming from her boyfriend's mouth instead of her doctor's or her doula's. It also helped Shaun stay calm and focused as well.

"And what happens if that doesn't work?" Lea queried, who had one hand on her belly and the other in Shaun's hand. Shaun was right by her side, and he told her that she was free to squeeze his hand or arm whenever she felt like it.

"If your cervix ripens, but contractions don't start, then they'll start you on Pitocin," asserted Abby. "But if your cervix doesn't ripen at all..."

"Then we'll have to consider a c-section," finished Dr. Garcia.

"Okay then," Lea sighed, really not wanting to have a c-section since she was informed by Dr. Garcia, Shaun, Abby, and pretty much everyone else that recovery would take longer; nothing is as easy as it looks. "Then let's go ahead and do it."

* * *

Lea wasn't progressing as she was barely dilated to even one centimeter, so Dr. Garcia had to administer a Pitocin drip to up the stakes. However, by 5:00 am, Lea had only dilated to one centimeter.

One centimeter and she was already in active labor. The Pitocin did speed up her labor a little bit, but it also made her contractions stronger, and also worse.

Lea's contractions were so painful and unbearable that she wanted to grip Abby or Shaun as hard as she could. She was well aware that he sometimes wasn't a big fan of being squeezed or touched, but she needed some comfort, and Shaun promised he would do anything for her when she was in labor. He was very good at tolerating it.

Without complaining or hesitating, Shaun let her grip him tight, gritting his teeth as she dug her nails into his arms, biting through his empathy pains.

"Shaunie!" Lea yelped loudly as a contraction hit her hard. She was also trying to ignore the constant pain in her lower back, which was caused by back labor. She let out a quiet sob. "It hurts so bad!"

Abby ran her fingers through Lea's hair as Shaun continued to let Lea dig her nails into him and make groaning noises.

"Remember your breathing and find your focal point. It can be the TV, the corner, the couch, the door, the window, or anything else in the room," reminded Abby as she rubbed Lea's shoulder with her free hand.

"Increased oxygen provides more strength and energy for both you and the baby. Inhale and blow out the candles, Lea," coached Shaun.

Lea squeezed her eyes shut and sucked in a deep breath, following her usual preferred breathing pattern; Shaun coached her and breathed along with her.

_In-in-out, in-in-out._

* * *

At 4:00 pm, when Lea was five centimeters dilated, she decided that she definitely wanted an epidural.

During the wait for the epidural, Shaun and Abby would help Lea change positions and move around. They sometimes took walks around the room. Shaun did everything Abby, the books, the internet, and other people recommended he should do.

After constant Pitocin adjustments, she was finally able to receive the epidural.

"Lea, I'm going to need you to sit up on the side of the bed. I'd recommend putting a pillow in your lap," explained the anesthesiologist.

Shaun curled his hands around Lea's head, allowing her to rest her head into his chest. "It's going to be okay," he whispered.

"Dr. Murphy, I need you to stand in front of her and keep your hands on her shoulders. Make sure she doesn't move," the anesthesiologist instructed.

Once Lea was helped into the correct position by the anesthesiologist and Abby, Shaun whispered an "I love you" to Lea, and she automatically smiled back.

"Okay, I'm going to feel your back to determine placement and clean the area. It's going to be a little cold," the anesthesiologist warned.

Lea took a deep breath in followed by a moan as another contraction kicked up, shivering as she felt the freezing touch of rubbing alcohol against her skin.

"You're...doing great," Shaun shyly reassured her, squeezing her shoulders tightly. "Keep blowing out the candles. Breathe with me."

Once the contraction ended, the anesthesiologist continued with the procedure. "I'm going to give you some local now. You'll feel a little pinch."

"It'll feel like a big bee sting, Lea," informed Abby.

"I've never been stung by bee before so I have no idea, but okay," inhaled Lea, trying to remain calm and still.

"Are you ready?" The anesthesiologist made sure Lea was prepared and ready to feel the pinch of pain.

"I think so," Lea exhaled deeply, resuming her breathing pattern with Shaun's help.

_In-in-out, in-in-out._

"Alright, here we go. On the count of three," The anesthesiologist began followed by a pregnant pause. "One. Two. Three."

Whimpering, Lea gripped Shaun's biceps as she felt the needle enter her exposed lower back. Shaun kept squeezing her shoulders as she squeezed him, and he kissed her forehead.

"You're doing wonderful, Lea," consoled Abby, tucking strands of Lea's hair behind her ears. "Just keep breathing."

"Alright, time for the big needle, then the epidural catheter. You may feel pressure or a tingle go down your legs. I just need you to hold still," the anesthesiologist made clear before she continued the procedure.

"Ow!" Lea cried under her breath as tears streamed down her face. Shaun could feel her pain...literally, he could.

"Do you need more local or is it just a contraction?" Abby inquired, clearly concerned.

"Contraction! Shaun, I need to lie down!"

"You...can't right now, Lea. Dr. Singh is in the middle of the procedure. Just hold on," Shaun stressed slowly.

"Shaun, please," she begged and cried. "It hurts!"

"Keep squeezing my arms," encouraged Shaun. "Blow out the candles, Lea. Breathe with me and Abby."

_In-in-out, in-in-out._

* * *

It was 2:00 in the morning, and Lea had already had it. She'd been in labor for at least one day, and she was finally in the transition phase.

No matter how many attempts she had at an epidural, it never took effect. For the first attempt, the epidural only seemed to work in certain portions of her body. It was working very poorly on her right side, which was due to the placement of the epidural catheter.

For the second attempt at an epidural, the anesthesiologist gave Lea something stronger to numb her right side, but she only got pain relief for 20 minutes. The epidural wore off pretty fast afterward to where she could actually feel the catheter in her back.

At this point, Lea had basically just given up at trying to get pain relief.

Shaun would hold her as she groaned in pain and did her breathing exercises. Physical touch from Shaun didn't solve her pain, but it did help. He was such a great boyfriend, and she knew he was going to be a great father. For Shaun, it pained him to see his girlfriend in this much pain. It was very overwhelming, but with the help of Abby, he did everything he could to power through it.

"I don't think I'm ready for this," whimpered Lea, who was squatting next to the bed and leaning against it. Shaun was squatting right down to her level, rubbing Lea's back as she squeezed Abby's hand.

"You can do this," avowed Abby, wiping the tears from Lea's face.

"No, I can't!" Lea sobbed.

"Lea, you're doing great. Just keep breathing," Shaun said as he rubbed his girlfriend's back. He didn't want Lea to know he was a nervous wreck deep down inside.

He was here as her boyfriend and birthing partner, not her doctor. Therefore, it was a lot easier to focus all of his energy on giving her comfort instead of making sure the baby gets delivered. Lea had listened to her music a few times since she was in labor, using it as a distraction from the pain.

Because of the pain, the Pitocin, and being eight centimeters dilated, Lea was feeling sick. She was in so much pain that she had vomited twice in the past 45 minutes. The second time was all over Shaun. He usually would have changed into a different shirt after this, but instead he just decided to remain in the shirt he was wearing under his vomit-covered button-down.

To make things worse, Lea was sweating, and she had a fever of 102 degrees due to chorioamnionitis, a bacterial infection in the amniotic fluid possibly caused by prolonged ruptured membranes.

Dr. Garcia immediately put her on antibiotics via IV. "Don't worry," she reassured Shaun and Lea. "It looks like we caught it just in time."

However, Shaun didn't feel reassured at all. He knew what chorio could do to mothers and their fetuses. Lea and the baby were now at risk for so many things.

Lea could have heavy blood loss with delivery or blood clots in her lungs and pelvis. If she ends up having a c-section, she could develop a wound infection or a pelvic abscess. Their baby could get meningitis or develop pneumonia. Both Lea and the baby were also at risk for bacteremia, an infection in the bloodstream, and not to mention death.

At 4:42 am, Dr. Garcia made an important announcement. "Ten centimeters. 100% effaced. You're ready to push."

"God! It's about time!" Lea sighed, already feeling weak and exhausted. "Just get this baby out of me!"

* * *

Shaun was relieved that it was finally time for Lea to push. In approximately 30 minutes to an hour, or maybe just a few minutes, or maybe even several hours (depending on how long Lea was going to be pushing), he was going to be a father. He was finally going to meet his son or daughter.

Shaun sat right behind Lea in the hospital bed while she reclined into him, allowing him to hold her. Abby and a nurse were each holding one of her legs.

"You got this," Shaun whispered to Lea as he squeezed her shoulders, and she gave a smile back.

"Alright, Lea. On your next contraction, breathe out and push," ordered Dr. Garcia.

As instructed, Lea tucked her chin to her chest, then pushed when she felt another contraction.

As the next contraction started, Abby counted for Lea. Shaun also helped since it was another way for him to calm his own nerves. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten…"

"Good, Lea. Keep going, that's it!" Dr. Garcia proclaimed. "Again. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten."

The same routine went on for a minute.

"Continue pushing, Lea," touted Dr. Garcia.

Gripping Abby's arm as she felt another contraction, Lea kept pushing as everyone counted in unison.

After a while, Lea started to get impatient. The baby's head wasn't even crowning yet.

"Shaun, how long have I been doing this?" Lea groaned, already even more exhausted than she was when she started.

"Almost an hour," Shaun replied, followed by an annoyed moan from Lea.

"Seriously? It's already been an hour?" Lea was shocked. She didn't even feel like it had been that long already.

"Lea, you're going to need to push harder," insisted Dr. Garcia.

"Push like you're having a bowel movement," the nurse reminded her.

"Oh, my god! I am! I'm trying!" Lea snapped at the nurse, having the urge to punch her in the face. To be honest, she really wasn't worried about pooping while giving birth. She really didn't care. She just wanted this baby out as soon as possible.

"Push, Lea," Shaun gave his own words of encouragement, which he later realized he probably should have stayed quiet for a while since he got a frustrated response from Lea.

"Shut the fuck up, Shaun!"

Shaun would have usually gone into shutdown mode pretty quick as she had never yelled those words to him before, but since he was expecting Lea to be like this while she was in labor (he even asked her to practice yelling and cursing at him when they "rehearsed" birth), it wasn't startling enough to shut him down.

"Shaunie, I'm sorry," she sighed regretfully. "Forget I said that."

After an hour, Lea continued to push and make progress despite her fever.

As Lea kept pushing whenever she was instructed to, Shaun kept stroking her hair and reassuring her with words of encouragement. "You're doing great. Just keep pushing. I know how hard you're working. I'm so proud of you."

"Good girl, Lea!" Dr. Garcia commended. "Okay, now, big push!"

Digging her nails into Shaun and Abby's skin, Lea yelped in agony and tears as she lurched forward and pushed, Shaun's hand resting on her shoulder. "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"Good, Lea! Good," preached Abby as she squeezed her knee. "Keep going!"

Lea cried in pain as sweat was dampening her dark hair, which was made up into a messy half-ponytail. She continued to whimper.

"I'm proud of you, Lea," Shaun whispered to Lea as he stroked her disheveled hair.

"It's a bit too early to be telling me that, Shaunie," Lea grunted, feeling Shaun wrap his arms around her as she continued to push.

"Okay, Lea," noted Dr. Garcia. "I need you to keep pushing. You're doing great."

"Don't forget to breathe, babe," reminded Shaun as Dr. Garcia, Abby, and the nurse encouraged Lea to push again.

Lea sobbed as she continued to attempt to push her baby out. She let out a guttural wail of pain. "I don't want to do this anymore! I quit!"

"Lea, I understand you're exhausted and in pain, but you can't give up now," sympathized Abby, patting the top of Lea's thigh. "Use your strength, pain, and emotions."

"You have come this far," heartened Shaun, wrapping his arms around Lea even tighter. "Just keep going. Our baby is almost here."

"Okay," whimpered Lea, ready to resume pushing.

"Come on, honey, give it all you've got," encouraged the nurse as Lea pushed.

"Abby, how am I doing?" Lea whispered, desperate to know if any part of the baby was out yet because she felt like something was actually about to force its way out of her vagina. She wondered if it could be her baby's head. "Any sign of the head coming out?"

"Yes, the top of the head is beginning to emerge," she replied, her eyes gazing towards the intersection of Lea's thighs.

That definitely explained why Lea could now suddenly feel that tingling, stretching, stinging, burning pain - no wonder they call it the "ring of fire". This was the first time she actually screamed during her entire labor.

Lea's howls of agony echoed through the room. It was the loudest Shaun has ever heard her yell.

"Okay, she's crowning," crooned Dr. Garcia. "Beautiful."

"Lea, are you sure you don't want a mirror?" The nurse offered. "Do you want to see your baby's head?"

"No! Nope!" Lea answered irritably. She already had the image of the "ring of fire" ingrained into her mind, and she could already feel her vagina ripping open, which hurt like hell, and that was already enough. She really didn't want to watch that happen as she felt it.

"Dad, do you want to see?" The nurse suggested to Shaun.

Shaun was speechless. He really wanted to get a full view, but Lea didn't and he wanted to respect her wishes. Before he could ask Lea anything, Lea gave him her permission to take a look.

"Go ahead, knock yourself out," she sighed, rolling her eyes.

Shaun shifted his body off of the bed and made his way towards the foot to see the whole thing. He could see an emerging small mass of dark hair. He got excited. "Yes! I can see the hair! I can see the top of the head!" Shaun beamed enthusiastically, practically smiling and grinning, before returning to the head of the bed and getting back into his original position.

"Lea, would you like to feel your baby's head?" Abby proposed.

Lea nodded a yes and then allowed Shaun to take her hand and then guide it towards the area between her legs.

"Oh, my god," breathed Lea as she felt her baby's damp wet curls. "I can feel it. Our baby has hair!"

Shaun could feel it, too.

Desperate to get her baby out, Lea continued to push very hard and fast, even as she felt her baby's crowning head rip her open even more. She howled in agony as she felt her crotch rip apart like tissue paper.

"Okay, Lea, slow down," commanded Dr. Garcia urgently. "Try not to push too hard or too fast. Just relax for a few seconds before you continue pushing."

Lea didn't want to tear up to her asshole, but she might if she didn't slow down.

After a few more seconds of waiting, Dr. Garcia told Lea that she could finally start pushing again. "Push, Lea! Push!" She ordered.

"Ow! It fucking burns! It's ripping me apart!" Lea yelled as she felt a burning sensation as the rest of her baby's head emerged, ripping her open even more - hoping her now second-degree tear wouldn't become third/fourth-degree.

Shaun made noises of excitement as he watched his child's head be born. But as Lea tried to push the shoulders out, she seemed to be having trouble.

"Damn it," Dr. Garcia cursed under her breath. As a doctor, Shaun knew that when a doctor said that or any similar phrase during any procedure, that meant something was wrong.

"What's going on? Is it shoulder dystocia?" Shaun guessed, trying to remain calm and not freak Lea out.

"Yeah, looks like it," Dr. Garcia sighed and then immediately called in for an extra nurse and got ready for action. "Start my timer."

Shaun got off the bed so Lea could lay back, crouching down next to the bed to her level and wrapping his arm around her shoulders. Abby and the nurse helped Lea pull her legs back further towards her chest. The nurse was using one hand to push down on the area above Lea's pubic region.

Shaun stroked Lea's sweat-matted hair, and he could tell that Lea was scared and in pain as she tried to push the rest of their baby out of her body.

He suddenly noticed that Lea's fever was now one degree higher than it was earlier. "Dr. Garcia, her fever is at 103 now," he disclosed frantically. He was scared, and so was Lea.

Dr. Garcia glanced at the monitor, her face shifting to an expression of panic as she saw how high Lea's fever was. "Lea, don't push! Don't push!"

After a few seconds, Dr. Garcia finally gave the news to Shaun and Lea of what needed to happen.

"Okay, Lea. I need you to listen carefully. I'm not going to sugarcoat it, but your fever is at 103 now. If we don't deliver this baby as soon as possible, your baby could have brain damage or die. Suprapubic pressure isn't working, so I'm going to need to perform an episiotomy. I'm going to give you a local anesthetic to numb you, so you won't feel the incision."

"Okay," breathed Lea. She just wanted this whole thing to be over so she can finally hold her baby. She was not looking forward to getting a needle down there.

"It will be numbing gel, not an injection," whispered Shaun in reassurance, causing Lea to sigh in relief.

Shaun grit his teeth as he felt Lea's hand, which he had just now offered her at the moment Dr. Garcia applied the lidocaine gel, grip his own at its tightest. He bit his lip as she squeezed his hand very hard, and it hurt...but he sucked it up and didn't complain.

Even with all those years of medical school, Shaun couldn't help but feel physically sick as he saw a fresh burst of blood come pouring out once Dr. Garcia made the incision into Lea's perineum. He was feeling Lea's pain and fear right alongside her.

In less than two minutes with the assistance of forceps, Eleanor Clementine Murphy was born on May 30, 2021 at 6:11 am after 33 hours and 26 minutes of labor.

"It's a girl," announced Dr. Garcia.

Lea was practically bawling at that moment.

Although Dr. Garcia allowed Shaun to cut the umbilical cord after it was clamped, Lea couldn't experience immediate skin-to-skin contact like in the original birth plan. The reason why: the little girl wasn't crying. Not one shrill could be heard from her.

"She's not crying," Shaun observed, obviously very worried. "She isn't breathing! What is her Apgar score?" From what he perceived, his daughter's Apgar score did not look good so far - probably less than a four. Some of her body was pink while other parts were blue. She was limp and lifeless.

Lea saw the look on her boyfriend's face. He looked like he was about to cry. "Is she dead?" She prodded, choking up. "She's not alive, isn't she?"

"Her airway is blocked!" A nurse said frantically as she assessed the baby. "Possible meconium aspiration! We need to get her to the NICU right now!"

Shaun knew that meconium aspiration wasn't good, especially if Nell inhaled meconium deep into her lungs. To make things worse, they weren't sure if the chorio had any effect on her yet. Neither she nor Lea were out of the woods yet.

Shaun and Lea watched helplessly in tears as their daughter, still covered in blood and other fluids, was whisked away to the NICU.

They didn't even get to hold her.

"Is Nell going to be okay?" Lea cried as Shaun squeezed her hand and Abby stroked her hair.

"We don't know if she is out of the woods yet," explained Dr. Garcia after hesitating for a bit. "But right now, we need to focus on delivering the placenta, okay?"

“Alright,” sighed Lea, drained and exhausted. Nevertheless, within minutes as she tried to deliver the afterbirth, she began to feel off and not to mention lightheaded. “I don’t…feel well,” she blurted out slowly.

Shaun glanced briefly at Lea’s cardiac monitor, which was now up to 140. “Lea’s heart rate is up to 140,” he alerted Dr. Garcia.

It wasn’t long before Lea started to bleed profusely all of a sudden. “We got some bleeding here!” Dr. Garcia shouted, looking scared and panicked. “A lot of bleeding!”

Suddenly, all of the commotions of orders being shouted, commands being made, the monitors beeping, and Lea weakly begging to know what was happening were starting to put Shaun into sensory overload. Distraught, he reached into his pocket to retrieve his plastic scalpel and uncover the cloth from it.

“Shaun, what’s going on?” Lea, exhausted and disoriented and a little frightened, asked frailly. She was feeling pain in her lower abdomen.

Shaun didn’t say anything. He couldn’t even get any words out or even try and figure out what was wrong with his girlfriend. It was like he had forgotten everything he learned in medical school. He was just standing there, clenching his scalpel tightly.

“Systolic is down to 70!” He heard a nurse yell.

Shaun could see all of the blood and pieces of the placenta splattering onto the bedsheets and the floor and also all over Dr. Garcia as she inspected.

“That looks like a complete uterine inversion,” Dr. Garcia worriedly observed. “Third degree. Start administering magnesium sulfate!”

Shaun knew that wasn’t good. 

Lea’s womb was literally flipped inside out, causing a postpartum hemorrhage. This was bad. He could faintly hear the demands to push the uterus back in, for all kinds of units of fluids, and for more help being yelled.

“It won’t go!” Dr. Garcia imparted in an apprehension. That statement started to spiral Shaun into an even bigger panic.

Lea had already completely lost consciousness at this point and Shaun had spaced out and froze in place, terrified, slowly placing his hands over his ears, probably about to collapse to the floor. He wasn’t aware of what was going on anymore, not even a nurse pushing him out of the way. It was all faded.

“Shaun,” Shaun heard Abby's voice. It wasn’t long before she gently guided him out of the room. She knew she needed to get him out of the room and away from all of the chaos to explain the situation to him.

Once they were away from most of the noise and Abby had calmed him down, she finally told him what he needed to do. “Lea is hemorrhaging and there is a uterine inversion. I know you already know this, but they’re going to need us to step out while they try to save her. I suggest that you go with your daughter to the NICU or just wait outside, do you understand? It’s going to be okay.”

Shaun nodded and obeyed Abby's orders. “Okay.”

He could become a "widower" and a single father, become childless while still having Lea, or he could become "widowed" and childless.

He realized that he should go to the NICU with his newborn. Whether or not Lea would survive this, his daughter really needed him right now, and Shaun also needed her. However, Shaun needed Dr. Glassman first. So before he and Abby went to the NICU, they went to the waiting room to get Dr. Glassman and Debbie and update them.

They really needed to sooner rather than later because Dr. Glassman has been here for like almost 34 hours on and off call.

* * *

When a half-awake Dr. Glassman and Debbie saw Shaun coming down the hall with the doula, they were excited to hear everything until they actually saw the look on their faces. Shaun was roughly ruffling the side of his hair, distraught, and close to crying; already crying actually. He hadn’t started hitting himself yet.

This could only mean one thing - there were complications. The last update they received from Shaun was that Lea was eight centimeters dilated and she had contracted chorio.

“Shaun, what happened? Is Lea okay? Is the baby okay? What’s wrong?” Dr. Glassman was trying to figure out what had happened. _Did Lea die in childbirth? Was the baby stillborn? Did neither Lea or the baby make it?_

No matter what, Dr. Glassman could tell that whatever happened wasn’t good news.

Shaun didn’t even answer. He just ran up to his mentor and hugged him, and this was the hardest that Shaun had ever embraced him. Dr. Glassman just wrapped his arms around Shaun to give him comfort as Abby and Debbie placed their hands over Shaun’s back to assist in giving comfort. Whatever went wrong during the birth, Shaun was definitely going to need a lot of comfort right now.

“It’s a little girl,” Abby somberly finally broke the silence as she explained everything. “The baby got stuck in the birth canal and she also inhaled meconium. Lea started hemorrhaging due to a uterine inversion while she tried to deliver the placenta. We’re not sure about the status on either of them right now.”

“You need to come to the NICU with me,” Shaun blubbered to Dr. Glassman, still in distress. “She needs me.”

“Okay, alright,” affirmed Dr. Glassman. “We’ll come with you.”

Dr. Glassman dreaded what road Shaun was going to have to take. He feared that history was repeating itself. The tragic deaths of his rabbit and brother were deemed to be the worst moments of his life. Now, Shaun was probably going to lose his girlfriend and his new daughter.

* * *

When they got to the NICU, Nell seemed to be okay so far and her current Apgar score was slightly better than her previous one. They were able to remove most of the meconium through suction, but she still needed to wear a nasal cannula for awhile. She also needed to be monitored due to the infection Lea had contracted in her amniotic fluid. The odds were good for her, but they weren’t given any updates on Lea yet.

When Shaun told the whole story, Dr. Glassman couldn’t imagine what Shaun and Lea must have gone through during the birth of their daughter - 33 hours of labor, needing to be induced, two failed attempts at an epidural and having to endure it all without any pain relief, Pitocin making her sick, contracting chorio, shoulder dystocia, an episiotomy, giving birth with a fever, forceps delivery, meconium aspiration, and then a postpartum hemorrhage and uterine inversion. All of that combined sounded horrible and scary. He never thought he could picture Lea terrified and in a lot of pain while Shaun had to watch everything happen helplessly.

“Ready to meet your daddy?” Nurse Villanueva cooed as she carefully lifted the infant out of the bed before bringing her over to Shaun. “Ready, Dr. Murphy?” She asked as she presented his daughter to him.

Shaun was shaking as he lifted out his arms, his breath frozen in his chest. He managed to bob his head before Nurse Villanueva carefully placed the little girl into the safety of her father’s arms.

He tentatively pushed his hand from beneath her buttocks up to support her neck before gently nudging her head into the crook of his arm and cradled her head. After a few moments, Shaun felt his breath release and the tension in his muscles ease. He relaxed and allowed himself to enjoy the moment of holding his daughter for the first time.

He glared down at the tiny human in his arms. She definitely had Lea’s nose and ears, and his eyes and mouth. She had a small mop of brown hair, which she could have inherited from either her mother or her father. She was the perfect combination of both Shaun and Lea.

“Her eyes are blue…just like mine,” announced Shaun. He brought his finger up and Nell immediately grabbed on.

“Congratulations, Dr. Murphy,” professed Nurse Villanueva, giving Shaun a proud smile.

Everything felt so surreal for Shaun. This was his child, something he never thought he would have. This baby was actually his; his baby with Lea - his lover and his best friend. He just wished that Steve was here to celebrate the moment with him, though.

The neonatologist later informed Shaun, Dr. Glassman, and Debbie (Abby had another client to attend to) that Nell was unharmed by Lea’s infection, which was a relief.

When they were finally able to see Lea, she was still unconscious and she was being given saline and antibiotics via IV tubes and she was on a ventilator. Apparently, they weren’t able to reposition her uterus by hand or even with hydrostatic replacement, so she needed an immediate laparotomy and her uterus had to be repositioned surgically. She also underwent a few transfusions and embolization of the blood vessels. She almost died, but she was stable right now and had been transferred into a postpartum room.

Nell was fine and Lea was stable, that's all that mattered to Shaun right now. And Shaun was going to wait by Lea’s bedside until she woke up…and their baby girl was going to be waiting with him.

* * *

Lea woke up feeling woozy and lightheaded, her eyes slowly opening and taking in the brightness of the room. She sensed something poking into her arms and she felt like she was tied down. Something was positioned under her nose, wrapped around her cheeks, and tucked behind her ears. She was slowly coming back to consciousness as she heard the steady beeping of a machine. She wondered where she was and what had happened.

Lea then realized that she was in a hospital bed before everything came flooding back to her. The last thing she could remember was trying to deliver the placenta and then something went wrong. She couldn’t quite remember what it was.

She attempted to sit up, but a dull pain was blooming between her legs and deep in her lower abdomen.

“Lea…” She heard a familiar voice call out to her. Her head tilted slightly to the side towards the voice, where she noticed a blurry figure. As her vision started to become more clear and less foggy, she realized that it was Shaun.

She looked up at him, his face breaking out into an ecstatic smile and a relieved laugh bubbled out from his throat. “You’re okay,” he exhaled as he reached his arm out to push the call button. “You’re okay. You’re okay…”

Lea stared at the ceiling trying to take everything in. Then, she remembered that her baby had to be taken to the NICU. She wanted to know about her baby first.

“Shaun,” she hoarsely grasped her boyfriend's name, her mouth feeling dry. “Where is the baby? Is she okay?”

“Nell has an Apgar score of nine and her vital signs are good, so she is fine. She weighs seven pounds and two ounces, and is 21 inches long. She was unharmed by the chorio, but you still have a fever. She is right here in the bassinet,” answered Shaun, motioning his hand towards the foot of the hospital bed, which stood a see-through bassinet with a tiny bundle inside. Lea couldn’t believe she actually missed that. “I was holding her the whole time but then I decided to let her sleep. Dr. Glassman and Debbie were here earlier but they had to go to work. Abby had another client to get to.”

Suddenly, a nurse walked into the room, his radiant smile spreading across his face. “Looks like somebody is awake,” he said to Lea. “I’m here to take your vitals and then I will leave you two alone with your baby.”

“Thank you, Nurse Dhanoa,” credited Shaun as he stepped back to let Nurse Dhanoa do his job.

“How are you feeling, Lea?” Nurse Dhanoa asked.

“It hurts a little bit down there,” replied Lea. “And I still feel a little groggy and nauseous.”

“You will be sore for six weeks,” reminded Nurse Dhanoa. “I am also aware that you still have a fever.”

Nurse Dhanoa took note of Lea’s temperature, pulse rate, respiration rate, and blood pressure. He also checked Nell's vitals as well.

“Your vitals are good, and so are your daughter’s,” he explained before eyeing Shaun. “I think Dr. Murphy can tell you the rest.”

Shaun nodded a yes before Nurse Dhanoa left the room, leaving Shaun, Lea, and Nell alone.

“What happened?” Lea prodded, still feeling groggy.

“There were complications,” replied Shaun in a serious tone. “You had a postpartum hemorrhage caused by a complete uterine inversion. It was third degree; the uterine fundus projected beyond the vaginal introitus,” he explained. “They were able to surgically reposition your uterus. You have been out for nine hours now. It’s 3:00 in the afternoon. You were on a ventilator earlier, but you have a nasal cannula now. And…”

“Can I hold her?” Lea interrupted, just wanting to see her daughter.

Shaun couldn’t say no to that. So far, Nell has spent all of her time in her father's arms. Her mother hasn’t gotten to hold her yet, so it was her turn. “It’s time for you to meet your mommy,” he told the baby, placing his hand into the bassinet to stroke her cheek.

Shaun helped Lea sit up and adjust herself in the hospital bed before he lifted the little girl out of the bassinet, causing her to stir and fuss a little.

Lea pulled back her gown, revealing her bare upper chest. She felt her breath slowly release as Shaun placed the infant onto her chest. Nell was still fussing a little bit in her mother’s arms, but she became calm again when Lea settled.

Tears filled Lea’s eyes as she held her daughter close to her chest. It was incredible to believe that this was her and Shaun’s child. Nell had a small cap on her head, covering the small mop of brown hair she had.

“Hi, sweetie,” Lea whispered softly. She gently put her hand on Nell's, and Nell reached up and grabbed Lea’s finger.

Shaun watched his girlfriend and daughter together for the first time and he felt his heart swell so much he thought it might burst. He stroked Lea’s hair and pressed a kiss to her temple as he brushed his finger across Nell's cheek, smiling. “She looks just like you,” he whispered.

“And you. She’s kind of giving me the exact same look her daddy always gives me,” Lea added playfully, looking up and smiling at her boyfriend.

Lea was crying, and Shaun couldn’t help but cry as well.

“You scared the hell out of me,” said Shaun.

“Yeah,” she chuckled softly. “I’m sorry you had to see all of that. And I’m also sorry for yelling at you.”

“That’s okay,” Shaun finished, kissing Lea on the lips. “You did great. You were in labor, so you had an excuse.”

Lea smiled and pressed a kiss to the crown of Nell's head before pulling Shaun in for a kiss.

Minutes later, they were able to remove Lea’s nasal cannula and IV tubes. However, not long after that and learning to breastfeed, she decided to go ahead and eat dinner (she hadn’t eaten anything for hours), so she handed Nell back to Shaun.

Then, Shaun set Nell back down in the bassinet before slipping off his shirt.

“Shaunie, what are you doing?” Lea asked, giggling a little as she took a bite of her bread.

“Skin-to-skin contact,” replied Shaun as he picked up the baby and then sat down in the nearby chair, holding her to his bare chest. “I was offered it while she was still in the NICU, but I didn’t feel comfortable taking my shirt off in front of Dr. Glassman, Debbie, or Nurse Villanueva.”

“That makes sense,” agreed Lea, her heart melting at the sight of Shaun and Nell.

After a brief visit from Debbie and Dr. Glassman as well as a few of Shaun's colleagues offering their congratulations, it wasn’t long before Lea decided to get some shut-eye. She was exhausted from the whole ordeal.

Not long after Lea drifted back to sleep, Dr. Glassman stepped in after the end of his shift to tell Shaun that he was going to see the baby for a while before going home back to Debbie. It was 10:00 in the evening and he noticed how exhausted Shaun was when he saw him yawn. 

“Shaun, you should get some sleep,” he advised. Although Dr. Glassman did get some sleep in an on-call room during the time that Lea was in labor, Shaun hadn’t gotten any sleep at all in the past 48 hours.

“My paternity leave has just started,” reminded Shaun. “I won’t be on call for 18 weeks.”

“Yeah, but you’ve got a new alarm clock now, pal,” joked Dr. Glassman, eyeing the infant in Shaun’s arms, patting her tiny head. “You definitely need a lot of it right now. Don’t forget about yourself, and make sure you tell Lea the same thing.”

While Lea was unconscious, getting Shaun to eat and shower took a lot of convincing from not just Dr. Glassman and Debbie, but also from the nurses and his co-workers.

“Okay, Dr. Glassman,” Shaun yawned, carefully placing a sleeping Nell back into the bassinet.

“Congratulations, Shaun,” praised Dr. Glassman, tears stinging in his eyes as he patted Shaun’s shoulder. “I’m proud of you.”


	13. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year after Lea's death, Shaun takes Nell to Hershey to visit her grave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long to update, I was very busy. This is the final chapter, and it will be short. I hope you all enjoy.

A year had almost passed since Lea died, and Nell was going to turn one in a week. She hasn't said a word yet, but she was walking now.

Shaun had taken her to Hershey to visit her mother's grave; Dr. Glassman tagging along with him. Until now, Shaun had never been to Hershey. Lea was there, permanently.

While Dr. Glassman stayed in a motel, Shaun and Nell stayed with Donnie and his family. He and Shaun had gotten a lot closer since Lea's death; Donnie even asking his son to refer to Shaun as "Uncle Shaun". They had two things in common: they both lost their only sibling and they both had a child that will never know their aunt/uncle. Lea would have been a great aunt and Steve would have been a great uncle.

Spending time with Lea's nephew and seeing Donnie with Nell made Shaun think about Steve. He really wished that Steve was still here and still alive. Nell will never know her uncle and Steve will never know his niece. He never had the chance to become an adult, have children of his own, and love those children. He never got the chance to have what Shaun now had. It was sad, and the fact that Lea was gone made things even sadder.

Right now, Shaun, Nell, and Dr. Glassman were standing by Lea's grave and staring down at it; Dr. Glassman was standing behind Shaun. The heart-shaped headstone was surrounded by lilies of many colors - orange, pink, white, and yellow.

_Lea Virginia Dilallo_   
_13th Sept. 1991 - 12th Jul. 2021  
Beloved Daughter, Sister, Girlfriend, and Mother_

Those words on the grave were staring right back at Shaun as he held Nell in his arms. Lea was barely even 30 when she died, and she didn't even have a will. She once told him she would prefer to be cremated, but she never got the chance to write a will and make it known. If she had written a will, she would have gotten what she wanted.

Also, Shaun really appreciated Donnie's effort in getting him recognized on Lea's grave. He had to fight Virginia to get the word "girlfriend" engraved. It was already kind of a let-down that Steve's grave didn't say "our beloved son and brother". That made it sound like Steve was Ethan and Marcie's only child, and also the favorite child.

Two years ago, Shaun was in his hometown with Lea and Dr. Glassman staring at Steve's grave. Now, two years later, he was in Lea's hometown with their daughter and Dr. Glassman, staring at her grave. History does like to repeat itself.

"Your mommy is right there," he whispered softly to Nell, his voice breaking a little as he pointed towards Lea's headstone.

The little girl glared at the headstone, not understanding what her father meant. She wasn't going to understand until she was a bit older.

The following dates - Mother's Day, July 12 (the anniversary of Lea's death), August 6 (Steve's birthday), September 1 (the anniversary of Steve's death), and September 13 (Lea's birthday) - were going to be the hardest days of the year for Shaun. Dr. Glassman knew that, and Nell was going to understand that a few years later. Mother's Day is also always going to be hard for Nell as well.

"I miss you, Lea. I wish you were here," Shaun sniffed. "I wish you were there when Nell started walking. She's going to be one next week. It's sad that you won't be there for her first word, her first birthday, or her first day of school. I promise that I'll never let Nell forget you. I will always love you."

Tears were forming in Shaun's eyes and Nell wasn't sure why her father was crying.

Shaun felt Dr. Glassman hug him from behind. "It's getting late, we should probably head back," he said.

He was right. Nell was rubbing her eyes, signaling that she was tired.

* * *

When Shaun got home two days later, he received a package from Donnie that contained a lot of memories of Lea. They were pieces of Lea that Donnie thought Nell should have.

Shaun skimmed through everything in the box. Most of them were photos of Lea.

Thirteen of them were her school yearbook portraits from kindergarten to high school. At least three of them were portraits of her posing in her sports uniforms. There was one photo of her on her prom night and another photo of her at her high school graduation. There were even more photos and the rest of it were photos of her cut out from her yearbooks, her old diary, participation ribbons, and other things.

Shaun thought that Lea looked beautiful in all of these photos. He was going to keep all of these photos and items and turn it into a memorabilia of Lea, something Nell could remember her mother by. It would be the perfect birthday gift for her.

He was going to make sure Nell would remember her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's the end of this story. The sequel to this is coming as soon as possible.


End file.
